Thursday, May 21, 2015

Top Ten Reasons Not Running is a Good Thing


About ten days ago, I had this genius idea.  I could present a top ten list of why not running is a good thing.  Sometimes I'm known as a one-door-closes-another-one-opens kind of gal (not right away though) and figured the best way to demonstrate my one-door-closes-another-one-opens virtue would be to fashion a top ten list.  I would present ten glorious pieces of evidence to demonstrate that giving up the mileage slog has some sort of benefit.  I stewed over this for many days.  Ten, even.  And here's what happened:

Crickets.

And then when I heard these crickets (I really did and do!), it occurred to me that this is very strange, this use of cricket chirps to demonstrate silence.  Obviously a diversion transpired and my quest for the top ten not-running accolades was sidelined as I went straightaway to investigate the origin of this crickets phenomenon.  If I don't get to the bottom of this – and now – someone might die.

You might think otherwise, but searching for this information was not as easy as it seems.  There's this whole insect thing to contend with.  (With which to contend?)  And a game and all sorts of other variants to disambiguate. After three googleings, 24 mouse clicks and a scrolling-induced hand-cramp, I'm still without information on this subject.  Lots of articles and whatnot say why it's used (because, like, duh, it's because you can only hear crickets when there is silence) but no one really says when or why it was first used or who started it.  One guy, who calls himself Earl Snake-Hips Tucker, solicited a response via straightdope.com with "the first time I recall it was in a Pink Panther cartoon @1970. The Pink Panther is conducting an orchestra, possibly at the Hollywood Bowl, and after he finishes the concert, he sees that there's only one (enthusiastically applauding!) person left in the audience. Before we see the sole attendee, I think there's the sound of crickets chirping. Anyone with any earlier cite?"  

You know what Earl Snake-Hips Tucker received from his request?  Crickets.

No one responded! Laughed my ass on for real!  I say I laughed my ass "on" not "off" because when was the last time you saw a get-thin-quick offering that included laughing your fat ass skinny?  To this day I don't get why "laughed my ass off" is used.  But before I move down that tangent (and do three more googleings, 24 mouse clicks and acquire another scroll-induced hand-cramp), I must return to the task at hand: a top ten list of why not running is a good thing.  I still have no idea where I'm going with this so I guess I'll call this a writing exercise and just start already.



Top Ten Reasons Not Running is a Good Thing:

10. No more black toes! That is, until you squeeze your wide hairy hobbit feet into shoes that are too small, walk about campus for an entire day and choke the big toe.  Luckily you have this Megan girl, who does not have wide hairy hobbit feet and you can give them to her.

9. Save money because you can eat less now!  Yeah.  Reaching.  I don't eat less now so I'm not saving money.

8. New friends!  Because your old ones are too busy running. Which leads me to:

7. No more running group drama! Better leave that one with a no comment.  For now.  Although it just occurred to me that I might have been the reason for the drama.

6. Sleep more!  Truly, this is great.  The bed (and the couch and my office chair and the front seat of the car) have this new fun permanent indentation.

5. No stress about staying healthy!  Which means no more ice baths, frantic massages, foam rollers, tens-unit electrocutions, panic, missed races and lost cash.  And if by chance you're splattered with the stomach flu, cold or pneumonia?  Big deal.  Sleep.

4. More Spontaneous Fun! Now that you don't have a magnum fartlek or long run or hill repeats to do in the morning, there's plenty of room for a late movie on a whim, a quick out-of-towner or whatever suits the present fancy.

3. Saturday morning pancakes with the Yahoos!  Try new varieties, like pumpkin, sourdough, raspberry, molasses and chocolate chip.

2. Live Longer! Too much running might actually shorten your life.  I heard this first on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and did a sort of happy, you-suckers victory dance. The claim was published by the Copenhagen City Heart Study through the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.

1. More time for bikes! Yes. Bikes are rad.



1 comment:

Donald Reay said...

I totally agree with your list, or at least the part about not running. Not sure on the rest as I don't run and never have...except the sleeping part. I would be hard pressed to run in the mornings and miss that extra hour of time with my kiddos as they climb in my bed and cuddle me for 30 some odd minutes. Someday it will end and then I may bike, but not run. Thanks for the good reason to stay off my feet. :) Your awesome.