Wednesday, January 15, 2014

10 Ways to Bottle Up Awesome

Wow, do I feel great today.  For real.  I FEAL AWESOME.  Last weekend, I did not feel awesome.  On the contrary.  I was ready to dig a hole in the back, wiggle my way into a straightjacket, and bury myself.  Was I sick with the flu, a cold, or gastroenteren-colon-encepher-itis?  Negative.

It was the PMS Avenger, a panic attack, and the crux of injury-rehab on top of the mildewy hue of mid-life. In a word: crazy.  It sucked.  It sucked bad.  I was a mess and not a hot one.  I was either mad, crying, or freaking out about yet another damn thing I had to do.  There were a few moments (hours, whatever) when I was all of the above.  Scary.  Grab your kids and hide.

It's over now, though, and things have stabilized.  Just this morning, after some rousing exercise and a June Cleaver breakfast, I looked around and thought.  "I am calm.  I am cool.  I am collected.  I made French Toast.  With homemade bread – wheat bread, even.  Wheat sprouted from the blustery ice dunes of North Dakota, which means it's protein percentage is off the charts.  I made buttermilk syrup. I am ready for today.  I feel awesome.  Now how the hell do I bottle this awesome for weekends like last?"  

June Cleaver would know how to bottle awesome for future use, but she ain't around.  Therefore I must fashion my own recipe du awesome preserve.

(Tune in next time when I do a Julia Childs supper.  With eggs retrieved from a holistic chicken training camp.)

1. Make an Awesome Mask, complete with thumbs up.

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 Okay, so I feel more awesome than I look.  I do have great teeth, though. Admit it.

2.  Make a real Awesome Mask, you know like "Awesome" below, and watch "Chuck" episodes for three days straight or until madness subsides.

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His teeth are great.  Greater than mine.  Not cool.  Which reminds me, the Yahoos need Nerd Herd t-shirts.

3. Have Megan make me a t-shirt that says "I am not having a bad day, I am a bad day." Portable, descriptive, perfect. It should be white and adorned with mustard stains, radioactive-orange smears (from the cheese puffs), and a grease mark of unknown origin.

4.  Make a meditation plan?  Yes, question mark.

5. Bottle a fake bomb, complete with you-must-go-running-or-the-world-will-die warning.  This might get my lazy "A" out the door when I'm lulling about with "What's the point?  I can only run a few miles."

6.  Straight jackets and a trampoline.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?

7. Highlight passages in "Daring Greatly" (by Brené Brown) to assist and defuse at a future date.  Resist the shame!  Make yourself vulnerable!  Engage!  And all that other crap.

8. Stock up on Mascara.  When all else fails, let Mascara save the day.

9.  Record me saying "Comparison is the thief of joy. Now get in the arena!" a hundred times.  That's a Teddy Roosevelt-inspried ditty.

10.  Taser, one that shocks and shoots a flag that says, "Shut up, tune out, and just watch the Yahoos play already.  They'll be gone in, like... minutes..."

Now it's your turn.  How would you bottle awesome?


radracer said...

Yes to all of the above, except item b in #7. No making self vulnerable.

And I don't think Mascara would save my day. I think it would create a whole host of other problems if I appeared in public wearing mascara.

Ryan said...

Convince Spouse to don Matt Foley persona