Friday, May 10, 2013

What I've Learned...


Don't be fooled by today's title.  This post is not an unctuous slosh of deep thoughts.  Not at all.  I know that most of you have a limited allotment of eyeball rolls, and those eyeball rolls must be partitioned as you see fit.  I'd hate for you to use up this precious cache of eyeball rolls here.

Mostly this post is about what I've learned within the last couple of days.  I've kept notes.  Each time I discovered or learned something new, I wrote it down.  You should try it some time.  You'd be amazed (yes, amazed!) at the amount of new information that gets added to your brain each day.

During the last day or two, I have learned that...

... If you have crazy friends you have everything.  Winder taught me this.  She would know, what with her being the craziest of the crazy, and befriended the craziester.

... Mushrooms, caramelized onions, feta, and a balsamic reduction are extraordinary on flatbread.  A little joint here in town serves this.  They call themselves Blue Lemon.  They also have a terrific butternut squash soup that serves as both appetizer and dessert.  This I did not learn today, I just thought it share-worthy.

... "Why" and "How" are not important 99% of the time.  Sometimes you just have to call it an "is what it is" and shut up.  These ruminating How's and Why's often give birth to worthless conjecture and gossip.

... Home Depot is the one place that can motivate and discourage me – at the same time.  I don't really like that place much.  Something I have just learned.

... Josh Wright is the most accomplished person I know, yet he's also the most humble.  How on earth did that happen?  Is this one of those times where I shouldn't ask How or Why?  Prolly is.  I should just sit back and enjoy the dear punk and his humble accomplishments.  Speaking of which, he has a new album.  You can download it by going here.  

... Computers should be baptized every year.  Just dunk 'em and start over.  You'd be surprised how clean and fresh one feels after having one's computer baptized.  You might also be surprised at the polar reception induced by this "baptize the computer" phrase.  Some think you're funny.  Others most definitely do not.

... I have food issues with other people's food issues.  So bad are my food issues with people's food issues that I think it's time to see a therapist.  I nearly bite my tongue clean through each and every time someone spends more than 90 seconds explaining their food limitation or new diet or intolerance.  It's perfectly all right to politely decline and state your food limitation without imploring the tabloids or the ward newsletter. For reals. Maybe a simple "no, but thank you" would suffice.

In my (not humble) opinion, Food Issues have become a heavy-hitter in the game called Give Me Attention and Now!  So you're not eating green olives right now...  who cares?!  So you don't eat cabbage.  Big deal!  It's soooo not interesting.  And you say "studies show" that eating copious amounts of (insert current 'n popular bad-guy food here) will zap you of all energy and make one leg longer than the other?  Yawn.  See?  I have food issues with other people's food issues. I need therapy.  No one should be this intolerant over someone else's intolerances.

... Shallow attributes tend to run very deep in shallow people.  Shallowness runs so deep!  Try that irony on for size.  Need an example?  Note how deeply I get annoyed at my shallow tolerance for other people's food issues.

... I'm a mother of boys.  Which means I will have a house full of boys.  Which also means that my house will smell and look like a house full of boys.  Which means I need to be comfy with a messy 'n stinky house full of boys.  I'll work on that now by not cleaning the black smudges that grace each doorway and light switch.  Sorry guests.  That's just how it's going to be.  I'd pick a house full of smelly 'n stinky boys over a clean house any day of the week.

... I'm funny.  Spouse and I were in the car, traveling to our lunch date.  I was wearing a skirt.  Vera, was all grubby from yard work.  She inquired, "Are you going somewhere?  Or are you just cute today?"  I replied with, "I'm cute everyday."  Then we both laughed.

... Sonic has half-price shakes after 8:00pm and half price drinks from 2:00pm to 4:00pm.

... I am deadline driven.  I don't feel the need to do anything unless there's a deadline attached.  Therefore, if you ask me for something, you better give me a deadline.  Else you'll never get that something.  Spouse, take note of this. For the next time you ask for a little something.

... Victor Hugo begat Alexendre Dumas.  This means that the author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame begat the author of The Three Musketeers.  Crazy, right?  I wonder why Alexandre chose Dumas as a last name instead of Hugo.  Or why he didn't call himself Alexendre Hugo Dumas?  Prolly because all the kids at writing club would call him a Huge Dumass.


***Update, as of May 13 2013... I've since learned the error of my ways and have confessed my mistake.  You can read all about my Dumas Faux Pas by going here.  





4 comments:

Winder said...

You are funny, Huge Dumass! Love my crazy funny friend.

Also, how are you just learning the Sonic specials. Do we not chat enough?

Julia said...

Not a single eye roll wasted, but quite a few chuckles. Oh how I can relate to your issues with other people's food issues! There are certain people I simply will not talk to anymore because it seems that is all they ever want to talk about. I feel like saying, "Um, thanks, but I really don't care. Could you pass me some green olives please?"

megan said...

hugo dumas - brilliant...simply brilliant...this one will last you for a good long time...I'm calling my mom to share this one with her...and my brothers

Megan and Keli'i said...

Food Intolerances...are there anything more annoying?! I think not! I don't understand why and how people are so obsessed with these.

Sonic...mmmm. Blue Lemon. Mmmmm.

Not you're just making me hungry.