Monday, July 25, 2011

Amityville Altamont

There are two things that scare the dickens out of me.  They are: 1) running backwards 'n naked into a brass doorknob, and 2) cows.  Not kidding.  I've had nightmares over brass in the buttocks (pewter and sterling are okay) and I am beyond-category horrified of cows.

In my short(ish) lifetime, I've stumbled upon several moose without losing my cool, and I've seen a few rattlesnakes.  When I was a kid, I used to chase bears and elk and deer and birds with my dad Mikey so that he could take some photos.  This was no big deal.  But cows on the loose?  Holy Krishna.

Spouse, Yahoos, and I have just returned from the annual reunion of Spouse's family.  We vacationed in a town called Altamont, Utah.  Which, incidentally, is where my Ma lived 'til she was five.  A lovely place, this Altamont, Utah.  I hope to return.  Heck, I'd give a lot of money to stay there for a whole month every year.  Altamont is a ranching, oil-mining town where houses are separated by half, or even full miles.  I became enamored with the "nothingness" of this town  – most all of the "nothingness" anyway.  I am not into the "nothingness" that involves cows.

Right now, I'm in the middle of some marathon training – I think I'm always in the middle of some marathon training, so I guess that should just be assumed.  But you and I both know that you shouldn't assume because it makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me."  (Get it?  "ass u me?"  I know, you got it.  I'm just recording this "ass u me" trick for my grandkids.)  Anyway!  I'm in the middle of some marathon training, and a 20 miler was on the schedule for this last weekend.  Being as I was in Altamont, Utah, I used this 20 miler as an opportunity to see some Altamont, Utah.

Saturday's 20-miler plan was as follows:  Spouse would wake early, drive me 20 miles to a place called Moon Lake, where he'd throw me out the door with some fuel and water.   He would then drive back to the ranch in which we were staying, climb on his bike and pedal back to me.

Well, that was the plan. This plan, however, was thrown out with both the baby and the bathwater during the ride to Moon Lake.  This plan was thrown out once the Rabid spied a giant "Open Range" sign.  Open Range! You might as well turn me over to Voldemort.  Or bury me naked in a casket full of brass doorknobs.

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Turns out that the "Open Range" sign was legit.  Over a five mile jaunt, we spied four (count them four!) separate cow herds.  All mad heffers with calfs, and all wandering about in the road.  Spouse took one look at my poor trembling cow-tenance and offered to drive with me until the bovine brood was good and behind. We figured it would be about five miles.

Ready.  Set.  Go run past the cows!

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It was a bit chilly.  Had to start with some warmers.  But that didn't last long.   Notice the scaredy cat below.  That face is scared.  Cows can smell my fear. They smell my fear and know that I'm weak.

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Oh and lookey here.  Cows.  I was tucked in behind the vehicle.  Look at the stare down of this one!  Scary.  I'm afraid the Hindus have picked an evil being for their sacred.

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And so it was, for the space of five(ish) miles, Spouse drove ahead of me, all the way through the cow herd 'n turd war zone.  I made it safely back to the "Open Range" sign – which going the other way, is a welcomed "closed range" sign.  Yay!  Once at this sign, however, Spouse was having such a grand time that he decided to leapfrog the entire 20 miles.  He'd drive ahead, get out his giant knockers, (aka binoculars) look at stuff, wait for me to pass, then drive ahead.  

He took great care of me.  I quite enjoyed him taking care of me.  To date, this 20-miler is among one of my favorites.  Even with the cows.  Purdy too!  Oh my heck!*  Purdy.

*"Oh my heck!" is a local Utah-ism.  One I try real hard-like not to say.  But being as we just returned from hickville, it was decently apropos.  Speaking of hickville, you shoulda seen them ranchers drive by.  All five of them.  They'd look at me as if to say, "You ain't from 'round hair, ur ya?  You ain't workin' hurd nuff if you got inergy ta run."


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Half Way!  Check out the sweat droplet.  

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Bovine behind barbed wire.  Where they should be.


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From whence I came.  This was a decent hill.


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From whence I plan to go.  Down hill then up again.

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Hot now.  No arm warmers.  Temperature was 79F when I finished.


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Finished!

2 comments:

Becca said...

Some days I kind of want to be you. Like on the days when you go on this run. That sound like a great time-cows n' all. And I must say, hats off to Spouse, I'm impressed!

(Oh and I ALWAYS want to be you when I see your Garmin and calculate your pace)

The petulant ninny said...

Now when you say "bovine behind barbed wire" did you intend to say "bovine behind barbed barrier"?