Sunday, June 26, 2011

Bossypants

I've decided that me 'n Tina Fey have so much in common that we should be friends.  Actually, scratch that.  Me 'n Tina should be sisters.  Actually, scratch that.  Me 'n Tina are the same freaking person.  (Only in different bodies and with different husbands and totally different careers and religions, etc.)

Care for some proof?

Yes?  I knew you'd say yes!  You always say yes.  That's what I like about you.


Photobucket

Well, folks, the proof is in a Tina Fey chapter book called Bossypants.  Let me show you some proof, but I'm going to provide this proof in the form of a letter to Tina.  Because, somewhere along the lines of my existence, I'm going to send Tina this crazed proof that we're the same person.  She's going to be totally flattered or totally scared.  Prolly both.  Either way, she'll invite me over to 30 Rock to see her magic.



Dear Tina,

You and me?  We're the same.  I read your Bossypants chapter book, which, incidentally, was so damned good that I had to read it twice.  Twice, I tell ya.  Back-to-back.  I side-swiped all of my responsibilities (which, like you, included kids, writing jokes, and a job) so that I could read your fine 'n funny foray of memoirs.  I realize that I sound like another one of your psycho fans, but I'm here to say that although I am a true psycho, I'm not another one of your run-of-the-mill psycho fans.

As stated earlier, I read your book twice.  And it was during this second monumental reading, that I became blindsided by our similarities.  Tina, I cannot be silent about our serendipitous sameness.

For example, on page 31, you talked about homemade nachos being a "cultural phenomenon" – NO WAY!  I, too, believe homemade nachos to be a cultural phenomenon.  You say your best friend's name is Maureen – GET OUT!  MY best friend's name is also Maureen! (And Winder, and Vera, and Megan, and Jessica, and Hillene – I guess my best friend has many names.)  You also have some trouble with anxiety (all the pages in the book) – YOU. HAVE. GOT. TO. BE. KIDDING!  ME TO!!!!!  I'M SO ANXIOUS I TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND INCLUDE AN OBNOXIOUS AMOUNT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!

Aren't those the strangest of coincidences?!  Oh, you just wait!  I'm just getting started!  You mentioned that you get wound up about being on time (page 32), and you hate it when you're ready to go and no one has their shoes on (page 38).  BE STILL MY FREAKING HEART!  I've already said this!  It's part of my personality!

You believe that the absolute worst forms of female behavior are 1) saying "like" all the time, 2) leaving your baby in a dumpster, and 3) girl-on-girl sabotage ( page 39).  SHUT UP!  I too believe 1) saying "like" all the time, 2) leaving your baby in a dumpster, and 3) girl-on-girl sabotage are the worst forms of female behavior!  In that order!

You also believe that there are no mistakes only opportunities, (SAME! 85) that the most important role of beauty is saying "who cares," (SAME! 114) that photoshop is better than having implants, (SAME! 158) that "all parents should make their daughters pursue team sports instead of pageants," (SAME! 176) that Grizz and Dotcom were born adorably and fully clothed, just like cabbage patch kids, (SAME! 195)  that all women can benefit from a good, tri-anual sob, (SAME! 258) that babies are more than "adorable little creatures," (SAME! 237) and that the "topic of working moms is a tap dance recital in a minefield."  (SAME!  SAME!  SAME! 255)

Tina, are you seeing it?  I think we were twins separated at birth.  Perhaps you should speak with your dad Don Fey about this.  I'll speak to my dad Mikey about this.  Speaking of Don Fey, that chapter you wrote about your dad Don Fey is one of the most beautiful of tributary passages ever written.  You have inspired me to write my own tributary passage about my dad.  Watch for it soon.  I'll make sure to send you the link.

And while we're on the subject of me writing stuff that's just like the stuff you wrote, let's talk about that chapter called, "A Prayer for its Daughter," where you wrote wishes and whatnot for your lovely little girl.  Stuff like, "May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers," and "Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.  Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels." (Page 262) I'm going to write a prayer too.  Only I'm going to call it "A Prayer for Rabid's Yahoos." Watch for that one as well.  I'll make sure to send you the link.

Tina, you and me share some beliefs.  But that's not all.  We share some limitations and quirky nuances.  Like you, I refuse to go on a cruise even if they provide all-you-can-eat shrimp, (page 100) and I also have a "uniquely German capacity to vacillate between sentimentality and coldness," (page 131.)  Here, Tina, is where we might be a little bit different.  While I do have that same sentimentality-coldness vacillation trait, I'm not German.  I'm mostly a Welchkin.  But, if my theory is true, and we were twins separated at birth, then my parents might have been filling me full of bullshit all these years, and that means that my dad really is Don Fey too.  If so, then I really am German! Just like you!  That would be great.  But I want Mikey for my dad, not Don Fey, even if Don Fey is as badass as you say.  My dad Mikey is just as badass as Don Fey. Oh and speaking of dads and bullshit, I think it's super funny that your dad Don Fey has a rubber stamp that says "bullshit," (page 51.)  Perhaps my dad Mikey should have his own rubber stamp that says "bullshit."  He'd like that.

As you can see, Tina, we are the same person.   We are identical.  You are funny just like I am funny.  You have hairy arms just like I have hairy arms.  You have droopy, poopy, brown eyes just like I have droopy, poopy, brown eyes.  Soon you will see.  And then you're going to invite me on over to 30 Rock so that I can see your magic.

In closing, I'd like to list one last element of Kapow! We are the Same!  It's on page 242 and it says, "When people say, 'You really, really must' do something, it means you don't really have to.  No one ever says, 'You really, really must deliver the baby during labor.'  When it's true, it doesn't need to be said."

Gospel, Tina.  Gospel.

Yours Eternally,
Rabid


8 comments:

Tia said...

I shall not soon recover from reading this blog post. Lots of Tinas in the world, apparently! I best bust out and buy this book (alliteration there) promptly. Two thumbs up? Two toes, too? Right on. Keep on writing. Keep on running, too.

Jessica said...

This rocked my world and made me LOL fer reals. I'm so glad you liked the book.

Winder said...

Love the post, loving the book. Thanks for introducing me.

Aubrey said...

I love that on the cover of the book her arms are mens arms with tons of hair. Love her! lOVE YOU! Maybe her dad is really our dad, and our dad has a secret identity and life...:-) I think you should send the letter, and if you do, you will be a shoe in to go and watch her at 30 rock. SHOE IN. Send it. Now.

Aubrey said...

It occurred to me while sweating profusely today on my bike ride...that your entire letter could be a joke and I failed to get the joke?!? If so, I am lame..but you should send it in anyway. :-)

Rachel said...

The book is so good it's worth it just for the introduction.

Did you know the book on audio is Tina Fey reading her own book? I'm sorta anxious to hear it. She's so stinking funny.

rabidrunner said...

Tia, you got that right! Two thumbs up! And all the fingers and toes too! (Just don't ask me what "up." Grin.)

Jessica and Winder, my sole purpose in life is to make you laugh. That, and to make lunch for the Yahoos.

Aubrey, you're right, it was a joke. But I"m thinking I should find a way to send it anyway, right. I mean everyone wants fan mail, right? Right! Also, I'm impressed that you think of me when you're sweating profusely.

Rachel, agreed. We should get our hands on the audio version.

Alaska Skagway said...

Wow - I'm learning to love Tina Fey :) Her attitude toward life seems so healthy! :)
And good to know - I'll be sure and get it as an audio book!