As a warning, this post hasn't even begun, yet it's doing backflips over the edge of TMI. If you decide to finish this, you'll most assuredly end up embarrassed on my behalf.
(Now if that opener don't keep you around, nothing will!)
So I have this luteal-phase situation that has become a problem. I'm convinced that I have PMDD. This PMDD is an appropriate acronym for Possessed Monster, Drummed up from the Dead. It's true, look it up. (Not really. It's stands for something else, and you can read all about it here. Knock yourself out.)
This being a Possessed Monster business is no picnic for me or anyone within my proximity. In order for the PMDD to be a picnic, I'd need some sort of activity to curb the angst. Like, say... I'd need to sink my sharp teeth into the nearest victim's meaty thigh, then gnash it about until that thigh no longer resembles a thigh. After which I'll toss the scraps aside, and look for more meaty thighs to devour, as my new unquenchable appetite has a newly acquired taste for human. Extra especially thigh humans.
Obviously when the people around me become the picnic, they aren't having a picnic either. As the old adage says, "You can't be the picnic and have one too." Just can't. That's PMDD.
Fer kicks, let's have some symptoms, shall we?
- Markedly depressed mood, feelings of hopelessness, or self-deprecating thoughts
- Marked anxiety, tension, feelings of being "keyed up" or "on edge"
- Marked affective lability (eg, feeling suddenly sad or tearful or increased sensitivity to rejection)
- Persistent and marked anger or irritability or increased interpersonal conflicts
- Decreased interest in usual activities (eg, work, school, friends, hobbies)
- Subjective sense of difficulty in concentrating
- Lethargy, easy fatigability, or marked lack of energy
- Marked change in appetite, overeating, or specific food cravings
- Hypersomnia or insomnia
- A subjective sense of being overwhelmed or out of control
- Other physical symptoms, such as breast tenderness or swelling, headaches, joint or muscle pain, a sensation of bloating, or weight gain
In other words, PMDD turns me into this:
Only I'm saying "Heeeeeeere's Rabid!" instead of "Heeeeeere's Johnny!"
As an aside, isn't that one of the creepiest pictures around? This reminds me of a story. Spouse and I were hunneymooning at Grand Targhee. Grand Targhee is that ski resort on the west side of the Grand Tetons. We chose Grand Targhee for our hunney-ski-moon because, like, duh, every hunneymoon needs some tetons and we both knew that mine wouldn't be enough.
As another aside, this self-deprecating chest-cavity act has become a huge part of my identity. So large -- like 36DD large -- is this personality identifier, that it's reason #3 that I won't ever acquire extra puff-puff surgically. (Reason #1 is the foreign object corollary, while reason #2 maintains that not having the extra puff-puff is what keeps me different around these parts.)
Anyway, while on this hunneymoon, we decided to drive over to Jellystone one afternoon and count elk or something. So we did. The month was January and most of Jellystone's lodges 'n whatnot were closed for the season. In the middle of this adventure, nature called and we were in need of some relief, so we stopped at one of the lodges. We chose a lodge that had a couple of cars in the parking lot. It still looked deserted, but we gave it a stab anyway because, as was mentioned earlier, nature was calling, and we needed relief.
The front door was unlocked, so we let ourselves in to find some tall, skinny, dark-haired lady, with circles under her eyes. Get this: she was vacuuming. The place looked like a scene right out of The Shining. It was haunted like. It was spooky like. It was eerie like. I was just about to ask about her psycho writer-husband when TWIN GIRLS came a-running down the hall! That did it. I was out of there. Peed outside I think.
As another side, you should hear Yahoo #2 say "REDRUM." It's pretty dang funny.
PMDD resembles Psycho-Shining-Jack-Nicholson a bit. But since I have a theme, and that theme is picnic, I'm going to say PMDD is more like this:
Zombiefied! PMDD is Zombiefied!
So, this PMDD web site (mentioned above with a "here" link) has some ways in which to treat the PMDD. These treatments are:
- Relaxation Therapy (Breathing, humming, that sort of stuff.)
- Exercise (Anything that get's the heart pumping.)
- Diet (No sugar, no caffeine, low sodium, complex carbs, and frequent meals.)
- Light Therapy (Sunshine, tanning beds and the like. Explains why the wintertime is always the worst.)
- Sleep Deprivation (That's right, getting LESS sleep. How often is less sleep a treatment for anything? And how exactly do you pull that one off without caffeine?)
- Cognitive-behavorial treatment (Where you lay on a couch and some spook with a yellow notebook says, "Tell me about the PMDD." Either that or you find a PMDD support group. Now doesn't that sound fun. A room full of caged 'n rabid women infected with PMDD.)
- Vitamins and Minerals (Mostly b-6, evening primrose oil, magnesium, calcium.)
- Hormones (Predisposition to stroke in my inherited genes makes this one an absolutely not.)
- Antidepressants (Which represent a whole slew of side effects that last all month long, only to cure three days zombification. Okay. Maybe three days is optimistic. Fourteen days of zombification.)
As I was reading through this list the first time, it occurred to me that these little helpers are morbidly familiar to a set of rules I heard about in a movie. A movie about zombies. A movie called ZOMBIELAND. It was then that I realized that everything I need to know about PMDD was contained nicely in the ZOMBIELAND Rules for Survival.
Instead of Relaxation Therapy, I'm going to go with, Rule #32: Enjoy The Little Things.
The excercise option gets two. Rule #1: Cardio and Rule #20: It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint, Unless it's a Sprint, then Sprint.
For diet, I choose Rule #6: The "Skillet."
To supplement Light Therapy, I'm going with Rule #26: A Little Sun Screen Never Hurt Anybody.
I like that certain ring that Rule #21: Avoid Strip Clubs provides. So I'm going to use that instead of Sleep Deprivation.
I'm going to ditch Cognitive-behavorial treatment and replace it with Rule #8: Get a Kick Ass Partner.
For Vitamins and Minerals, I'm going to say Rule #2: The Double Tap is best.
And those nasty Horrormones? They get Rule #18: When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out.
Antidepressants, with their vast array of side affects get Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms, and Rule #14: Always Carry a Change of Underwear, and Rule #27: Incoming! and Rule #28: Double Knot Your Shoes.
To celebrate my new treatment plan, I ordered a 24 x 36 print of ALL the Survival Rules. Should be here any day now. Grin.
(Hey, print lady -- you know who you are -- I'd be happy to pimp yer biz, just give me the a-okay with a link!)