This year was my favorite yet for there was excitement and suspense galore. You just never knew what would happen next, did you...?! And it was so close! To the bitter end it was a close one.
This is my ninth tour. All those newby schmucks racing their second and third tours have nothing on me, for I've arm-chair raced nine tours. Actually, arm-chair racing isn't the right method of participation, because I don't ever sit in an arm-chair. Mostly it's because I don't have an arm-chair.
My tour participation has been more along the lines of laundry-folding, bathroom-cleaning, breakfast-makin', and toy-pickupin'. I've found that the Tour, with the posh addition of a DVR, provides the ultimate in multi-taskery. Here's how it works: You turn on all the TVs in the house; for us that's two. Then you go about your day doing various tasks, listening and watching. When something exciting happens, you stop for a bit and watch. And when something really exciting happens, or if by some unseen fortune you actually miss the excitement, you rewind the DVR and watch it again and again. Or even again!
I tell you what, the Tour singlehandedly allows me to turn the entire month of July into a giant display of pitiful productivity. But life isn't about being productive, right? I don't need to remind you all that life isn't about producing stuff. ('Cause if it were (was?) I would have produced more kids.)
Anyway, being my ninth Tour 'n all, I've noticed that the Tours have all run together from year to year. Aside from the big stuff -- like Landis winning, then testing on the positive for testosterone, or Jens dragging his face along a mountain road -- I don't recall much. Goes without saying, then, that I cannot categorize specific events into the correctly corresponding year. This is why, friends and fellow Frenchmen, you get a Rabid recap.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Alberto Contador won yellow with Andy Schleck just 38 seconds behind. Schleck won white (for fastest youngin'), green (sprint points winner) went to Alessandro Petacchi, and mountain points or polka dot went to Anthony Charteau.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Floyd Landis tattie tailed on professional cyclists everywhere, insisting that cyclist are, and have been, using performance enhancing substances -- highly illegal substances. This is also the year that the entire field of riders looked mortal. Serious. They all looked tired. And run down. Their eyes were just screaming, "it's too hard without the EPO! I can't do it without the EPO." Compare 'n contrast with subsequent years, they all looked like machines. Fire-breathing, hill-climbing, dragon machines. 'Cept Andy. He doesn't look any different. He's so white and pure. That's why he won white. It's all because of his purity.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: I decided that Andy Schleck would marry one of my daughters. My daughters had been promised earlier to Shaun White and Apollo Ono. Now they'll both hafta fight over Andy. Maybe one of them can have Frank? Not sure how Frank will feel about being the sloppy seconds. I 'spose he'll just hafta deal.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Frank Schleck crashed in one of the early stages, broke a collar bone, and needed surgery. This usually means the rider is out. Although it would be way cool to have one of them go forth with surgical proceedings and show up the next day to race. That, as we know, is a total pipe dream now because they're all mortal again.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Schleck attacked on a climb, Contador couldn't respond and Andy gained mega time. Like 31 seconds mega. That was prolly the best stage of the whole race. It was Stage 8, Station des Rousses -- Morzine-Avoriaz. This stage deserves it's own post, but I'm not going to give it it's own post 'cause no one will read it. The tatics of this one were pure genius. Jens Voigt was sent ahead by Sexobank (hehe harhar) so that he'd already be ahead to help Andy attack. Meanwhile, back at team Asstana (hehe harhar) Alexander Vinnie Vinokourov was sent ahead as a rabbit for the peel-a-ton (hehe harhar) to follow. No one knew who's plan was what!
That stage was Soap Opera fer sure. Andy ended up winning the stage and Cadel Evans ended up in yellow for briefs (hehe harhar) even though he crashed and cracked his poor elbow. Oh and Armstrong crashed three times, due to what the announcers are calling "bad luck." But whatever. We all know luck had nothing to do with it. We all know that the EPO kept Army from crashing all those years.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: I tried to explain Stage 8 (see just above) to Radracer and Hillene on a run. After twenty minutes of my recap theatrics, Rad says, "Are we talking about Lost or the Tour de France? 'Cause I'm lost."
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Schleck dropped a chain while trying to attack. Yawn. I'm so tired of that one now. Can you say overdone and said? Even by me?
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Mark Renshaw was removed from the Tour for head-butting the competition. This occurred at the finish of stage question mark. (I'm too lazy to look it up and doubt I'll care next year. 'Sides since we're talking about Marks, figured we'd mention the question mark.) Mark Renshaw is a lead-out man for Mark Cavendish. Many were so afeared that Cavendish wouldn't win any more stages because Renny was out of the picture. Oh how they were wrong! Oh! How! They! Were! Wrong!
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Mark Cavendish won five stages. Come on Mark, can't you do better next year? That's only, like, 20%.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Team Footon-Servetto had fleshy-colored jerseys and sharts. They almost look naked. Almost.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Denis Menchov's phantasmagorical time trial performance landed him on the podium. Just barely ahead of Sammy Sanchez.
- The 2010 Tour de France, was the year that: Fabian became the new Fabulous. From now on, whenever I call something fabulous, I'm going to call it fabian in its stead. Fabian Cancellera not only managed to win both time trials with stupendous triumph, he also managed to make me slobber. A lot. Like, Labrador slobber. Just look at those legs. Just look at them. Go get yourself a beverage and return, so as you can ogle that sensational posterior properly.
Photo taken from Big Picture. Better click that Big Picture link for more!
Speaking of Fabian. I'm totally confused about this time trial business. What makes one good at time trialling? And why doesn't that time trial ability transfer into mountains and/or sprinting? Anyone?
P.S. Did I miss any tour stories worth reporting on the recap? (This is where you insert a comment, I say "oh yeah!" and add it to the list.)
P.P.S. Check out the new label! Compliments of Vera's uglier half, Stu.