My first thought was, "I am so screwed. I was really hoping to Find Myself. I'm done with this Create Myself crap. I'm ready to join the Findist crowd."
You see, the last few weeks have been a bit trying. There is no particular reason. On paper, with lists of achievements and luxuries, we're doing just fine -- better than most. Trouble is, the Rabid has been in a funk of sorts. Funkified, and not in a good way. I have been bad funkified, wherein this funkified term is a candy-coated version of bitchified.
In fact, the Spouse was leaving the other day. He wandered over to my scowling, sour-puss semblance and told me he loved me. I said, "Even though I'm a bitch?" And he said, "Yip. 'Cause you're my bitch."
Quite a pair aren't we?
Want more proof of my funkified frame of faculty? An empty (family-sized) jar of Nutella. Consumed by the one and only me:
(Noticed that it's licked clean.)
This evidence goes to show that the "action" around here ain't so great. Now before you blame me for holding out, you can use that chicken or egg metaphor. Do we have an empty jar of Nutella because Spouse isn't getting any? Or is that empty jar of Nutella a result of me not getting any? Such mysteries.
Anyway, not doing so great. When I happened on this journal book, titled "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself," I wanted to throw a princess fit. I don't wanna Create Myself anymore. I just want to sit around and let things Find Me.
Creationists take life by the horns. They plan stuff. They make stuff happen. They take full responsibility for their lives -- where they are now, the choices they've made.
Findists sit around and let stuff happen. They don't plan. They blame others for their lives -- where they are now, the choices they didn't "get" to make. Findists are victims who sit around and complain.
Spouse and I have had this "Find" joke for a while. It started about the time we decided that going to India was on the bucket list. Actually, to clarify, going to India was on my bucket list. It wasn't necessarily on Spouse's bucket list -- it was more on Spouse's gotta-go-to-keep my job list. While reading up on this treasure called India, we happened upon many travel agencies and whatnot that were hosting trips to India that were structured so as you can "Find Yourself."
So that was the joke. We're going to India to Find Ourselves.
Truth is, there's some truth to that Finding Yourself in India business. India is humbling. A mere 24 hours in India is plenty of time to Find how truly self-importantly self-absorbed we Americans are. It's enough to Find our little and insignificant existence. And finally, 24 hours is enough to Find that we know nothing of the hard work and living conditions that come with poverty.
Most people go to India and Find that they are spoiled rotten. At least I did.
I suppose you Find yourself by discovering and appreciating the life you've Created for yourself; by looking that life in the eyes and taking credit for both the good and the bad, by taking action, by accepting consequences, by learning from mistakes, by giving, and most of all, by showing gratitude.
Trouble is, Creating Yourself, this Creationism, is hard work. It ain't easy. And lately I want to be easy. Er... have it easy.
Last week, when I was in a particular sour mood, I found myself at Yoga. At this Yoga joint I frequent, the instructor always starts with a theme. The theme for this particular class was attitude. When she started her feel goodisms about attitude -- you know like, change is about attitude, progression is about attitude, being happy is about attitude, yadi yadi yadi -- I looked around. Everyone else was soakin' it up like a sponge, with big cheesing smiles and shoulders held high. They were ready to have positive mental attitudes. I, on the other hand, just wanted to be mental. Instead of rolling my mat up and heading for home, I decided to roll my eyes and deal. I can handle this power in positive nonsense.
About mid-way through the class, she started in on the attitude stuff again. She started to say that in order for us all to grow or improve, in all aspects of life and not just Yoga, we must get out of our comfort zones, we must remove the habit of being comfortable.
I gave up and put myself in balasana (child pose.)
"Listen Lady," I said in my orneriest of thinking tones. "I woke up at 4:40 today, ran to the top of a 1500-foot mountain (and back down), followed that with a self-applied full-body waxing, only to attempt my version of yoga among a room-full of bendy dancers, where my relative stiffness makes the football players look flexible. To top it all, I had to hire a babysitter in order to make it here. I AM FAR FROM COMFORTABLE!"
I just realized that I have no idea where this is going.
I will say this, however. Struggle brings strength. There must be opposition in all things. We must have the bad days to appreciate the good ones. So maybe, if I do decide to ditch the Findism and go for Creationism once again, my version of Creationism will be the act of creating discomfort.
I'm good at that. Just ask Spouse.