Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Don't Get It

There are a bunch of things in this tiny little world that I do not get.  Many of those things I'll admit to not getting.  I'll throw my hands up high and yell, "I don't get it!"  (Like I did when SkiBikeJunkie tried to explain drafting, in the which the Rabid was too dense to get it.) Among the rest of those un-get-able things, there are a few that I just plain do not want to get.  

The Casual Blogger's Conference is one of those things I don't want to get.

Yet here I am, discussing something that I have already defined, by choice, as un-get-able.  Which would lead one to believe that I really do want to get this Casual Blogger's Conference, but am too embarrassed to admit it.  Perhaps there's an element of truth to that.  The real truth, however, is that I have a cake in the oven and feel like writing (making fun of) something.  Figured this Casual Blogger's Conference was just as good a topic (target) as any.

To set the stage for this monumental blog post, let me first explain something I do get.  I get blogging. (Duh.)  I get that people like to use this here medium to write out their events, histories, frustrations and commentaries.  I get that it's an extremely efficient method of excommunication.  (Actually it's communication, not ex-communication, but notice the alliterative action in that sentence and I wanted the alliteration to amble on.)  I get that friendships are foamed (har har) and I also get that blogging brews the brain -- by both reading what others have to say, and by the blogger's own research.

I get blogging.

I do not get Conferences for Bloggers.  
(Doesn't that word look like boogers at first glance to you?)

From what I understand, here's the stage for this Conference that they ironically call Casual: A bunch of Mommy Bloggers gather 'round to acquire tips on making their blog better.  There are communication courses, writing workshops, photography clinics, legal lectures (from a real attorney) and classes to demonstrate methods for making money.  The conference offers direction from design divas and sessions to showcase ways in which to thicken your traffic -- ways to get more hitters hanging-on to your hooey. Which would ultimately allow you to earn thousands of dollars from your boring mommy memoirs.

Sorry.  Had to say it.  Mommy memoirs are boring (unless I know you personally.)  I don't care if you're Faulkner or Stephen King or even Jane Austen-like in your clever dialogue, there is NO WAY to write up your diaper changing experiences so as to make them entertaining.  Or interesting.  Or worth reading.

Oh!  But I have a diaper changing story!  Lemme give it a stab:
Yahoo #1 was a few days old.  Spouse and I were still out-of-our-minds intense about this baby rearing stuff, for we both understood that we were most definitely in the soup.  When our first little screamer came out of the who-hatch, we understood that our purpose in life was to do one thing:  Keep That Child Alive.

So everything was a big deal.  Diaper changing included.  On our "changing table," as the experts refer, we have a statue of Jesus with a few kids on his lap.  It's quite a statue.  It has always helped add a sense of calm to the diaper-changing process. 
Perhaps it goes without saying that our situation could use all the sense of calm we could get.

Spouse was changing the child.  (You are all so jealous, right?  That my wonderfully handsome husband also changes diapers.)  He had just wrapped up the old 'n dirty, and was reaching for the new 'n clean, when that little Yahoo sneezed.  Violently.  Which caused this chunky-ish fluid to project from his nether region -- all over the Jesus.

I was in the other room.  And this is what I heard:

"Hoooonnnneeey!  He shat the Jesus!"
How did I do?  Good diaper story?  No?  That's okay, I understand.  If I make fun of your mommy blogging, you can most certainly bash my miserable excuse for a diaper story.

Back to the Conference.  I have also heard, from a few sources, that Bloggers print business cards.  Cards that provide the address of their beloved blog.  They take these cards to the Confernce and hand them out with a phony smile.  A smile, with mega teeth, that says, "Here!  Read my blog!  I won't read yours because I'm too important for reading the blogs of the plebeian populace, but read mine.  Everything I do is JUST PLAIN EFFING FANTASTIC!" 

You know what I think?  It's just a blog.  It ain't proof of your holy existence.  It ain't the answer to world peace.  It ain't the end-all-be-all of crafting.  And it most certainly isn't the last word on decorating. 

Megan had been asked by the Casual Blogger Conference people to attend and read one of her posts.  This post.  Her original plans for a U2 gig made it such that she'd be in town, so she obliged.  Me, being the I-find-everything-utterly-fascinating-individual that I am, was curious.  I sent her an e-mail asking if I needed to get tickets in advance.  She replied to tell me that tickets are $125.  For one day.

I told her I'd give her a ride. Asked if she'd read the post to me on the way.

Due to the misfortune of Bono,  the U2 show was postponed and Megan canceled her trip.  Which also includes the cancellation of her Conference footnote address.  Bummer right?  The Confernce people don't get to meet Megan!

At this point, I would like to provide an important piece of information:  The Conference is SOLD OUT!  As in, even if you were up for the $125 a day price tag, you cannot go unless you have already secured your spot.  Those Conference people have landed a gold mine.  They will provide all sorts of tips for earning cash via I-bahn blog, all while knowing the best (only) way to make money with this business of blogging, is to calibrate a conference.  Bah!  I'll bet they're busting their laughing buttons all the way to the bank!

On second thought, it would be so very, very, VERY fun to spend a day watching.  And taking notes. Perhaps the people at Utah Valley Magazine could send me?  I could write up some stuff for them.  I know they appreciate my opinion.

If I were to go, I would be on my best behavior.  Because you know what I always say?

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
(Then go home and write about it on your blog.)"



Sparks said...

Well, as I know I don't actually need to tell you, seein' as you know me so well, I think the CBC is friggin' hilarious. I feel okay saying so since I am no longer going. (My reasons for going to read my post were different than those who registered and paid $175 for a full pass--I was going because that post is pretty damn genius, I really do buhleeve what I wrote, and I am into any forum wherein in can spill my own brilliance.)

My capialist self takes great joy in the organizers laughing all the way to the bank. My gosh, they found a way to exploit self-agrandizement (how the hell do you spell that?) and insecurity disguised as an unending discourse on motherhood. That kind if brilliance deserves every penny it amasses (from the masses who are asses--thank you, Mr. Churchill).

C.C. said...

Networking for narcissists....

"He shat the Jesus" now that is funny...

Mandee said...

and you get a big, fat AMEN from me.

rookie cookie said...

Amen, true dat, roger dodger, I second that motion.

I am supposed to go to that conference. My blog has all the typical unspoken requirements for me to attend such an event. But even if it was free, I wouldn't go. I have loads of other things to do on a weekend.

And yes, they have business cards. BUSINESS CARDS!!!!!! To these type of events, they wear their cutest flats and skinny jeans and their latest flower headband from Etsy. You think I am kidding. I kid not. You would think it was the prom. Actually, I just thought of what all of this is. It's prom for moms.

rabidrunner said...

The Mom Prom!

rabidrunner said...

Oh and Rookie, your blog us useful. Very much so.

Sparks said...

I can't stop laughing. And that is bad, because Mark is sleeping next to me.

Mom Prom. I feel like I should make a logo and invitations.

Jessica said...

Ah, Mom Prom. It would be better if they asked the attendees to wear prom dresses. And tiaras. And those little jackets that cover up the immodesty of the prom dresses so you can wear them on Sunday to church.

Makell said...

I love your blog for the very reason that the comments are so very electric and clever! Love it! LOVE IT! Mom Prom. Hitters hanging on to your hooey! haha
Just my 2 cents - the first time I heard about the CBC I had an anxiety attack just thinking about it. Scares the dickens out of me.

On an unrelated note: Did you say you are baking a cake?

Ski Bike Junkie said...

I'll have you know that plans are in the works to spend hours--literally hours--working up a magnificently detailed explanation of drafting, complete with numerous useful graphics and actual math. I think you'll get it when it's done.

But no amount of math or graphics would help me get the mom prom. Seriously, I need to get into the conference organizing business. First there's time out for women (e.g. people paying for the privilege of going to church all day Saturday because three hours every Sunday somehow isn't enough), and now this. Wow. All I can say is wow.

rabidrunner said...

Makell - I knew I'd have you at "cake." Incidentally, that cake is 3/4's gone and I am the reason. I have to agree with you about the comments. The comments are always clever. And smart. And funny. I'm rather fond of my commentators.

Jessica - The mere prospect of purchasing a prom dress, complete with tiny jacket, gives me the shivers. This is when I thank the Lord for sending me boys. Although, it might be outrageously fun to come up with some Prom Mom event. We could make fun of the goofy things women do when collected together.

Junkie - Do you gotta use math? I mean, can't you explain how it works without using math? The marijuana took my math brain.

Winder said...

Why do you always have the best posts and comment conversations on days when I don't turn my puter on? I think you are doing it on purpose.

Becca said...

I disagree with everyone about the CBC conference. (And by disagree, of course I mean totally agree) I think you need to go to the CBC and bail them out since Megan can no longer attend. In fact, I think you should be invited to read one of your own posts- this post to be exact. You'd be a big hit there. (And by big hit, I mean everyone might want to hit you)

rookie cookie said...

I am waiting for your analysis post on the "Lost" finale.

Mom Prom. I am a genius.

Staci said...

This comment is so old news because I am . . . let's see . . . four days overdue, I guess. And you probably won't even notice that I've posted it. I do have to add that it is a major irony that it's called the "casual blogger conference" because the truly casual blogger wouldn't care about advertisements and such. C'mon casual? Can't they just call it the "wanna-be conference." As in, they wanna be a blogger.

And, yes, I know I am the typical, typical mommy blogger. But that's the thing . . . I don't care. Which makes me a "casual" blogger.

rabidrunner said...

Oh, but Staci, you are never overdue, for I have the comments automagically e-mailed to me! How's that for casual?! I'm pleased as punch you caught the irony of the casual stuff. Also note that the difference between your Mommy Blog and others, is that you aren't trying to make money off your Mommy Memoirs. 'Sides, I like your Mommy Memoirs.