Monday, April 19, 2010

This Is Not Your Momma's...

In this adult life of mine, I find that past reflections often collide with technological advances. These are the times where I say stuff like, "Remember when we didn't have a dishwasher?" or "Remember our first microwave?" or "Remember the Commodore PET?" I still remember my very first e-mail message. In vivid technicolor. 'Cept it was on a monochrome monitor, so technically it was more vivid Black and Amber and less technicolor.

I swore I wouldn't be one of those "in my day" kind of people. Yet here I am. Being one of those "in my day" kind of people.

The last week has presented all sorts of technological shazams. Shazams that made me stop and think, "This is so cutting edge! So new and fancy! This is not your Momma's... insert whatever it is that was not your Momma's."

Thought I'd document.

This is Not Your Momma's... 3D Movie
On Saturday, the Yahoos and I saw our first 3D movie of the technology age. My last 3D movie was at a drive-in with those blue and red cardboard cut-out glasses. I don't remember anything 3D about it, except perhaps the fact that the screen was way over there and the sound was relayed from Mars.

But on Saturday, we saw How To Train Your Dragon in 3D. It was a moving experience. So moving was this experience, that I don't want to see a regular movie -- a movie not in 3D. It was spectacular! Cute show too. On more than one occasion, I recall wishing these new-fangled 3D flicks were around in my rowdier days. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know-what-I-mean?) And get this, they plan to release a new Tron. In 3-frickin-D!!! That'll be a nerdgasm fer sure.

Are you laughing in my general direction because I had yet to see a movie in 3D? We don't go to movies much. In fact, the only times we go to movies are when Spouse has surgery or the weather is such that spending time in-of-doors is better than spending time out-of-doors. Saturday was a beautiful day... a day for spending time out-of-doors, which means... you guessed it... Spouse had surgery. Which bring us to our next Not Your Momma's... discovery.

This is Not Your Momma's... Shoulder Surgery

Spouse has been experiencing a fair amount of shoulder pain for about a year. A few months ago, Spouse went to the Shoulder Surgeon for an MRI which revealed a rather large bone spur. The Doc recommended physical therapy and some sort of injection to help with the pain. Ultimately, however, the Doc recommended a removal of the bone spur and a scope to check out the shoulder's innards. After a few months of physical therapy and cortisone, Spouse figured it was time.

On Wednesday, April the 14th, I dropped Spouse off for Surgery and ran home to take care of Angry Tax Preparers. It was a lovely day. A day so lovely, that my burlesque sense of humor was left for dead and buried. I did not laugh that day. In fact, I did not laugh until Sunday evening.

When I returned to the hospital, the Doc marched out with some photos and announced, "We found some surprises." Turns out Spouse had a substantial tear in a ligament.

Now here's the technological This is not your Momma's... part: The Doc repaired the tear, injected Spouse's own blood platelets to speed healing, and installed a pain pump. Spouse ended up with four tiny incisions and technicolor photos of his inner shoulder. This surgery was a relative piece of cake. In your Momma's day, they would have sliced the shoulder open from stem to stern, peeled the skin back and gone to work with a rusty ice pick. Now they use fancy robot tools that do all the work while the Doc says, "abra cadabra!"

As if that wasn't enough, the Doc's PA made a house call on Saturday to look at his wound and remove the pain pump. Can you imagine that?! A real live medical house call! It felt like we were on Little House On The Prairie.

Recovery's been a breeze. I think. (Maybe Spouse would care to elaborate.) And speaking of recovery, Ice speeds recovery. This brings us to our next Not Your Momma's... discovery.

This Is Not Your Momma's... Ice Pack
The hospital sent Spouse home with an icing machine. And not just any icing machine, it's a Polar Care Kodiak. This Polar Care Kodiak is a bucket of ice and water that pumps ice and water through a pad thing. They taped the pad to his shoulder, and while he wore the pad for three straight days, it kept the wounds on ice.

Being as I tend to ice anything that produces discomfort -- including the Yahoos when mouthing off -- I wanted to get me one of those Polar Care Kodiaks. I even went as far as figuring how many dollars one would require. After hours of research, I found that one Polar Care Kodiak would run me around $151. Not bad, huh?

Imagine, if you will, the amount of surprise and Disneyland-esque wonderment when the PA announced, "That ice thing is yours to keep."

"Really!?" I said. "Serious?" It felt like I had won my very own academy award. Forget the fact that Spouse had earned the thing with his very own pain and tears, it was mine! To compare 'n contrast, let's parallel your Momma's method of icing to this new-fangled Polar Care Kodiak.

Your Momma's:


Polar Care Kodiak:


See? No comparison! This is not your Momma's Ice Pack.

This is Not Your Momma's... Feminine Hygiene Ad
This last Not Your Momma's... discovery has nothing to do with the others. On Sunday, I found myself watching the "O" channel. "O" as in "Oxygen. " You know that network for ninnies... er, I mean, Women. I watched a whole love story called The Lake House and it was brilliantly entertaining and cozy. I don't recall making fun of it once (mostly because it included the nerdgasm-inducing topic of time travel.)

There was one commercial, however, that had me in stitches. I watched it three times. Which I shouldn't have done, 'cause now I gotta explain what a period is to the Yahoos.

Anyway. Enjoy.

This is not your Momma's... Feminine Hygiene Commercial.
(Couldn't bring myself to call it a tampon commercial. Just couldn't!)

This is Not Your Momma's... Boston Marathon

I know I said the previous discovery was the last Not Your Momma's... discovery, but here's another one, just in! Today housed the 114th Boston Marathon. Young-punk, 21-year-old Robert Cheruiyot smashed the course record with a 2:05:52. Additionally, Ryan Hall ran the fastest Boston of any American in history, with a 2:08:41.

Interestingly enough, your Momma's Boston Marathon and it's corresponding course record of 2:07:14, was also run by 4-time Boston Marathon champ Robert Cheruiyot. But not the same Robert Cheruiyot mentioned above. The new record is a different Robert Cheruiyot.

Huh!? What are the odds of Your Momma's and Not Your Momma's Boston Marathon records having the same name?! I'd say slim to none.



rookie cookie said...

What a thought inducing post. I feel so reflective. Maybe that's because I can actually use my brain right now. The boys are both asleep.

My first 3D movie was "Alice in Wonderland". That is definitely one you should see in 3D. It was unreal.

Surgery sucks, but sounds like Mr. Rabid's wasn't. My mom used one of those ice machines when she had knee surgery and I was thoroughly impressed. I like inventions like that because it means that someone somewhere finally said, "Okay, this whole ice pack thing is a bunch of s***. I have to fix this." And because of that moment, we all enjoy the fruits of their labors.

Period? What's that? I haven't seen anything reminiscent of that in almost a year. One huge positive of pregnancy.

Jessica said...

I don't like when you take a break from blogging because then I don't get to laugh at internship. But, I do love when you come back to blogging because the posts are really long and it makes me laugh! Too bad I'm at internship so I can't watch that Feminine Hygiene commercial...

Something to look forward to when I get home?

(Is it normal to look forward to Feminine Hygiene commercials?)

tom lindsey said...

Are you scheduling appointments to use the icing machine? If so, I would like the time slot just before you serve dinner.

C.C. said...

I am fascinated by this icing machine. You do know that it's link takes on to Little House on The Prairie right?

rabidrunner said...

Jessica, You know how to make a girl feel wanted.

C.C., Holy smokes! Linkage issues. Polar Care Kodiak link is now fixed.

Tom, come by any time. However, it's BYOI - Bring Your Own Ice. I seriously need an ice making machine now. A commercial one. The one in the freezer doesn't cut it.

rabidrunner said...

Rookie, wanna go to Alice again? Although I don't know that you'll check back here so I might need to send you an e-mail.

Becca said...

You just made my night--that was fantastic! And that period commercial was definitely worth 3 viewings.

Your blog makes me happy!

Winder said...

I still haven't seen a 3D movie. So I am the big loser.
I also found a flaw -- I did hear you laugh on Saturday when I mentioned you had been spending too much time with Spouse. Member?

lifein360 said...

I can't believe you said "Shazam". I bet most of your younger readers don't even know of the reference. Sad....even I admit I am getting old. But I am fighting it every day.

Makell said...

What a way to start the morning. That is the most sarcastic fem hygiene commercial I have ever seen - how come it doesn't surprise me that you watched it 3 times! Loved the twirling in slow motion part - loved it!
It looks like maybe I was just a big wuss because Spouse seems to be recovering much better than I did. Glad for him and for you! And that movie - we just saw it last weekend and I thought it was pretty dang cute, myself.

Staci said...

You're probably paying more than $150 for that ice machine anyway so it's dang good they let you keep it.

C.C. said...

White spandex laughing out loud.....that is great. Oh and that ice machine....I think I am in love. Does this mean ice baths are no more?

Ryan said...

it's mostly true what you say about the newfangled contraption. just not for the yahoos. 'cause for them, it's totally their momma's ice pack (to be leveraged in their next rap battle).

but why stop at just the two bears? why not polar care kodiak aid grizzly assistance teddy help care* treatment giant panda while they are at it.

and is it just me or is that polar bear looking totally dejected like "dude seriously i'm running out of ice up here. are you mocking me or what?"**

*to be clear the second instantiation of "care" takes on the role of a further bear variety.

**discovery channel's life in hd is the big pic of tv land.

rabidrunner said...

Staci, agreed. We paid more than $150 for that ice pack -- like 10% of 10k. And that was just for the hospital part.

CC, It's not cold enough to replace ice and river baths. Sadly, those will stay.

Ryan, Care Bear treatment? Is that where you were going with this? You're too funny for your own good. Sure of it. Does that humor of urine fly much while working? Do your clients enjoy it? What is it that you do, by the way?

Julia said...

I was a polar ice filler-upper last year and made daily trips to Harts for my spouse as well. But I didn't have to buy him manly-man t-shirts. It seems we have a lot to thanks our Momma's for.

rookie cookie said...

Yes, I want to go to Alice again. Thanks a whole lot for the e-mail.