Monday, April 05, 2010

A Tangent in Two Acts: Act One

Prologue
Sometimes the joy of running comes in the conversations.  When I'm pounding the pavement with my pals, we not only cover many miles, but we cover many topics.  Since most runners start the habit of running to cage the ADD, the content of our conversations bounces to and fro like a pin-ball machine.  Generally speaking, however, one can gauge the intensity or interest of the current topic by how many miles transpired during its discourse.  For example, we had a five-mile conversation a while back about budgeting.  Yawn, right?  Wrong!  For one of our buddies is a fiscal fanatic, an accounting artist, and an estimating Einstein.  "Good with cash" is quite an understatement with this dude.  He can make the finances fascinating.

Incidentally, when our budgeting brute (who we call Outnback) joined our marathon mob about a year ago, my memory was "jogged" (har har) to recall that he and I worked together at Sizzler during high school.  Although he does recall working at Sizzler, he does not remember working with me, or even the fact that we attended the same high school.  (I'm fretfully forgettable.)  So to punish him for not remembering me, I told him we went to the prom together too.  Going to the prom with me, even when make-believe, is punishment.  I call it Punishment by Prom.  So, you all everybody out there, remember me or I'll compose some stories about "us."

Act One
On this morning of April 5, 2010, the marathon mob ran.  And as far as conversations go, today's run did not disappoint.  We covered a myriad of matters, but ended, rather vehemently, on the subject of the Utah Valley Magazine.

We all jist love that Utah Valley Magazine.  We love its trite fluffiness,  phony facade and cheesy verbiage.  But most of all, we love how it makes our eye balls roll.  Did you catch the snide sarcasm or do I need to keep going?  How 'bout I keep going, just for fun.  If there was a cause, one which would make a case for saving trees, the Utah Valley Magazine is it.  Just by itself.  I'm here to tell you, that a display of all stock tickers is more worthy of printage.  And perhaps printing the entire results of the 2010 census is better suited for paper waste.

Actually, the magazine isn't a total waste of paper.  The pictures are often pretty.  They feature some sweet photography from some sweet photographers who reside in the valley.  Like Kenneth Linge and Willie Holdman.

First off, I take issue with the magazine's method of distribution.  This magazine is not for everyone; it's for the elite (whatever the hell elite is to them.)  You cannot phone the magazine and say, "Sign me up!"  Nope.  You must be chosen.  You must fit into their selective demographic or you must know someone.  I know this because Spouse's brother's son was selected from his high school to be the senior of choice one year.  As a doting auntie, I wanted a copy.  So I called them up and said, "Hey!  Can I buy one?"  They said nope. 

Incidentally, I just looked at their web site and you can now buy the mag for $10 a year, which totally made the previous paragraph false-ish, but oh well.  Go ahead now, knock yourself out with that $10 subscription.

Second off (because if you have a first off, there must also be a second off), the Utah Valley Mag is so banal and plastic.  It lacks substance and intrigue.  It's as if the gentleman's club of this Utah Valley Place have gathered together to write about how awesome they find each other.  You know how it goes... excessive fawnery is only entertaining to the fawner and the fawnette (or fawnie).  Look at me be funny about fawning!

Speaking of plastic, have you noticed the number of plastic surgery ads?  Um.  What's up with God's selected children wanting to change that body they pretend to be so "grateful" for?  (I'm having this side-stitch sensation now.  Leads me to believe that I might live to regret that sentence.)

Third off, (because if there's a second off, there should prolly be a third-off), this Utah Valley Magazine, named after the valley in which I was born and raised, fails to represent the Utah Valley I know.  From the handful of times that I've read the magazine (while waiting for doctor appointments and whatnot), not one person I've read about (besides the nephew) resembles anyone I know.  Heck, I even read an article about someone I do know personally, and thought, "Who the heck are they talking about?  Certainly not Beaker [name changed, of course.]  That sounds nothing like him!"


If you are associated with the Utah Valley Magazine and I've offended you with my honest opinion, I'm real sorry.  Actually.  Scratch that.  If you are associated with the mag, then what the heck are you doing here?  Why don't you find that little back button on your browser and click it.  Where you came from might be better suited for your tastes.  OR... perhaps you might see that the magazine could stand to be a bit more geniune and "real."

"What!?"  I hear you say.  "But, who then, will perpetuate the Utah Valley Stereotype?!" 

That, friends, is my point in the exact.

You all know, however, that this is just me in a bitter jealous frenzy over the fact that I've never been featured as a Utah Valley Super Mom.  Which brings me to Act Two of my current tangent: the term, Super Mom.  Sadly, I must say that Act Two: Super Mom, of A Tangent in Two Acts, must come later.  I've got other stuff to take care of right now.  Stay tuned.  Or not.  Either of your choices will make me ridiculously happy.


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Does this post lead you to believe that I might be PMS Avenging or in a crabby mood?   Surprise! I'm not.  I'm over-the-top giddy with giggles today.  Muse is in town and we'll be enjoying the show on row 11.  And if row 11 at the Muse epicenter is not enough, Spouse has agreed to take tomorrow off to watch the Yahoos (who are home on spring break).  A storm is rolling in and I Plan to Partake the Pow.

16 comments:

Ski Bike Junkie said...

Good post. But I think it would have been even more funny had you been PMS avenging. (Did you get the sarcasm, or do I need to go on?)

radracer said...

You'll be attending Muse????? Now I'm insanely jealous.

Lars said...

The reason for the plastic surgery ads is because parents like to purchase those for their darling daughters they dote on to cover up their eating disorders. I have a theory that nearly all the young lass' to come out of Utah County attend the same dentist, plastic surgeon and probably hair stylist due to the fact that they all have the same teeth, knockers, and blue ribbon three tiered poof. Is that the type of livestock in the magazine of which you so speak?

rabidrunner said...

Bring on the PMS avenging sarcasm! The more the bitchier!

I know Rad, I'll let you know all about it. Perhaps I should bring you a sticker for your bumper?

Larsie, I believe you're onto something.

Lars said...

We should run a longitudinal study...

Winder said...

Agreed.

Jessica said...

Never have I seen such horrible hair than I did this past weekend in Utah. I would be happy to recruit for this longitudinal study. In addition to running data analysis. I loooovvvee data analysis.

rookie cookie said...

You are spot on. If you pay close attention, you will notice the "magazine" is a giant ad. All it is is ads for different companies.

My husband's catering company is currently in the Utah Valley Brides magazine for the year. He has an ad and a quote about catering. And they only required a trade instead of actually paying money for an ad. Otherwise, I think they were charging something preposterous like $2000 for the entire year.

I agree with your point on it not representing Utah Valley like it should. It's cheesy, ugly and pase.

Ryan said...

loved the 'literation and looking forward to act ii. had i any beverages in house worthy of abundant consumption i'd plan a drinking game in hopeful anticipation of multiple references to prozac and medical marijuana (and another shout out to plastic surgery).

guess it's time to stock up on purely chocolate.

i ♥ bolthouse farms

Makell said...

Utah Valley Drama! Oh my! I only wish I was on the elite list that received a free subscription to this lovely literary loot! Do they have a black market for these things? Sign me up, baby!

C.C. said...

Ryan makes a good point there in regards to the Prozac Valley. Although I thought it was part of the water filtration treatment system...you know like fluoride.

rabidrunner said...

Jessica, I have horrible hair. That's why I wear a hat most days. And now I'll blame my horrible hair on Utah Valley! Sweet. I love it when I can blame.

So, Ryan, Purely Chocolate is your beverage of choice?

And C.C. has made me think of something... perhaps the drinking water is full of stuff that makes Prozac necessary? Like they're all making us depressed so as to increase sales? You must admit, that's a great conspiracy theory.

C.C. said...

Oh Rabid....that is an excellent theory. I always thought SLC had funky flavored agua when I lived there. This is probably ignorant of me, and I admit it, but I didn't know until two years ago that there was a proper way to dispose of pharma. Sparks will probably say duh you dolt. I always thought one could flush them down the toilet and it was a okay.

Sparks said...

Actually Lars, the whole point of pharmaceuticals is to take them and not dispose of 'em at all.

C.C. said...

Sparks...I had to dispose of a deceased relatives pharmaceuticals. That is when I learned the lesson of no offerings to the porcelain god. I dispose of mine through the mouth, due to the fact that I love 'em. Well that and I sort of need 'em to get by.

Jeanette Bennett said...

As the editor and owner of Utah Valley Magazine, I was interested (and a bit frightened) to read this blog post and accompanying comments. Thank you for your candid feedback. Rabid Runner, I would be happy to treat you to lunch to hear your ideas for how we could improve our magazine. I am eager to hear reader feedback and story ideas. Thanks. You can respond to me at jeanette@uvmag.com.