Thursday, April 08, 2010

12 Step Program For Ugly Feet

I have ugly feet.  I admit it.  When I enter another house, a house with nice carpet, a house with one of those Kindly Remove Your Shoes signs, the owner of said house always points to me and says, "You.  You with the atrocious feet.  You keep your shoes on.  Thaaaanks.  That'd be greeeaaaattt."

I don't often partake in a pedicure either.  It's embarrassing.  I take off the shoes and the girl (or dude) always looks at the poor pickled pigs with hesitation.  As in, "Do I gotta really?"  Or, "Why did I agree to this?"  Or, "I should have been an OB GYN.  Certainly the stuff I'd see there would pale in comparison."

The reason I have ugly feet is the running.  Run, run, run.  The prettiness of the feet can only take so much.  I could stop running... you know... to save the feet.  But the running thing is an addiction and I can not, will not, refuse to, stop.  For this reason, I have created a:

12 Step Program For Ugly Feet

1.We admit we were powerless over our ugly feet - that our feet have become unmanageable.

2.We believe that a Power greater than ourselves created our feet and can restore them as to help others remain sane when seeing them.

3.We made a decision when we started to run that we must turn our feet over to miles and miles of pavement pounding.

4.We have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of shoes.

5.We have admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our ugly feet.

6.We are entirely ready to have all ugly foot abnormalities removed surgically by a trained professional (not the dude down the street that owns the running shoe store).

7.We have humbly asked others to remove their shoes so as to show we’re not the only ones with ugly feet.

8.We have made a list of all persons we had caused to vomit, and we are willing to make amends to them all.

9.We have made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would cause them to vomit again.

10.We have continued to take personal inventory of our shoes and when we break into Vera’s house to borrow her shoes, we make sure we tell her after you have put them back and oh make sure there’s some powder in there.

11.We have sought through meditation to massage our feet daily.

12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other people with ugly feet, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


Winder said...

You forgot to mention:
We send our lost toenails to those who we might make vomit.

Jessica said...

Is this from the Big Book of Ugly Feet Anonymous?

rabidrunner said...

Winder, I forgot about sending lost toenails to the squeamish. I need to lose another toenail...

Yip, you guessed it, the Big Book of Ugly Feet Anonymous, written by moi. However, it's not so anonymous anymore.

C.C. said...

What do you do with the blood, pus, and extra skin from blisters?

Jessica said...

It's still kind of anonymous, since Rabidrunner isn't your real name.