Friday, March 19, 2010

Climactic Concentration

Whenever I open a jar of Nutella, and grab a giant spoonful of it's succulent goodness, I always ask, "Why is it, dearest beloved Nutella, that The Sex cannot be as good as you?"  It's true.  I always ask that.  And now you all can feel bad for Spouse because he holds a close second to Nutella.  But only to Nutella, so that should count for something, right? 

There are several things that the Big Dirty and Nutella have in common.  Both seem forbidden to one degree or another, both have an airy sense of taboo, both cannot be enjoyed openly and in public without social ramifications, both produce pleasure, and last but not least, both involve nuts.

There is one element in particular, however, that separates Nutella from The Sex.  This fundamental ingredient, not necessary for Nutella, but imperative for sexual enjoyment, is.... drum roll please... ConcentrationThe Sex requires Concentration; Nutella does not.

I might be alone in this arena of  The Sex needing the Concentration.  Heaven knows that this particular instance would not be the first in which I was a few ticks shy of the general populace.  But I'm here to suggest - admit, even - that when it comes to relations, friction alone is not enough.  Some of us must Concentrate to experience the Joy.

The Joy of Nuttella requires no Concentration.  It doesn't even require a spoon!

For giggles, let's pretend that I'm right about this Concentration Theory - that most women have the same issue.  You can now see - dearest gentlemen attached to women via matrimony - why it is that your woman wants it "lights-out" the minute her precious head hits the pillow.  That bed is soft.  That bed is warm.  That bed screams, "Just lay here with me and be dumb!  Lay here with me and think about nothing!  Lay here with me and be blank like unto the blankets!"

The woman has impregnated the day with Concentration.  The woman has used up her Concentrating powers by telling the children the same instructions twelve times over; by running errands, by attending to the needs of others and by mustering patience.  When it's 10:30 in the pm, and the woman is finally able to relax, the last thing the woman wants to do is Concentrate.  But the man insists.  And turns on the Barry White.

And so it is, dear Gents, that I issue a challenge.  I challenge you all to experience copulation through Concentration.  The next time you "mount that saddle" and "go to town," derive in memory, the Quadratic Equation. Then you might come to know the difficulties of carnal concentration.

Either that or hand your love a jar of Nutella.  She won't even know you're there.

-

28 comments:

rookie cookie said...

As one can assume, I adore this post. Adore like I adore the Nutella. I can't wait to read this to the husband.

Ski Bike Junkie said...

Um, I don't feel bad for the Spouse. I feel bad for you. Pretty sure that the Spouse is enjoying himself just fine. Which is not to say that he couldn't enjoy himself more with some concentration, just that it may not be as necessary for him as it is for you.

dug said...

i hate nutella. but not the other thing with nuts.

on the other thing, i say, go to sleep. in the morning, go to work 30 minutes late once a week. or 5 times a week. if you catch my drift.

it's easy to concentrate in the morning.

rabidrunner said...

Rookie, this was for you. You and I share the passion for the spread.

SBJ, my point exactly. We are wired so very differently.

Dug, I'm sorry you don't like Nutella. Real sorry. Thanks for the pointers, however. I'll add that to "Dug's list of pointers" wherein "Snooze Trick" is first.

DISCLAIMER:
Spouse's friend just sent him an e-mail (see Spouse is home today so that he doesn't lose vacation days and maybe squeeze in some other stuff.) So in this e-mail, the friend said, "Your wife just wrote about your sex life dude."

Just so you all know, Spouse cleared the post before it was published. Even helped me with the title.

Jessica said...

How is it that you can read minds?

So amazing, you are.

Lars said...

And by spread you mean.....? Just kidding.

Maybe you should try utilizing Nutella with boffing then you might get more bang for your buck. Just saying you know? You could optimize both your loves. Interesting because i was going to post on boffing today as well, but mine was more of an inquiry on what to put in a boffing basket for newly nuptialed (yup not a word but I waned the alliteration).

Aaron + Mandee said...

My prudish self is DYING that you actually put this out there! But it's why I love you- you say it like it is. Even when the mother-in-law reads.

Excited you are going to NY! We're taking Parker and Maddy in June- can't wait!

Winder said...

I guess if all the other women out there don't need to concentrate then this post explains why we are friends.

tom lindsey said...

My wife too needs to concentrate ... on where to aim the mace.

BTW-- a small amount of nutella on dark rye, almond butter, and a sliced banana make an excellent sandwich.

Celeste said...

Wow. Really? I don't usually enjoy the sex until I STOP concentrating & just enjoy. I do find though that I enjoy both sex & nutella more if there are crepes & strawberries involved.
Oh, and I just did a nutella wedding cake. Want the recipe?

SeƱora H-B said...

mmmm....nutella...

And, yes, sometimes I just prefer activities that require little concentration. What can I say?

rabidrunner said...

Jessica - I can only read the minds of people who think like me.

Lars - glad someone caught my "spread" innuendo.

Winder - hugs and kisses.

Tom - Nutella and Rye, haven't yet gone there. Will do.

Celeste - Darling! Creator of all things sweet and pleasing to the eye, I would love that recipe.

To clarify, there's a difference between "Enjoy" and "The Joy." Enjoying something and Getting The Joy are two separate achievements... if you know what I mean. That's what I mean.

rabidrunner said...

Mandee's right. This was kind of gutsy.

Ski Bike Junkie said...

"To clarify, there's a difference between "Enjoy" and "The Joy." Enjoying something and Getting The Joy are two separate achievements... if you know what I mean. That's what I mean."

O. I get it.

Anonymous said...

If sex requires your concentration, then you and your spouse are doing something seriously wrong. I feel very sorry for you!

Lars said...

Anonymous,

The author didn't specify what sort of sex was being performed in this post. If you use your imagination, which obviously is lacking since you have to go by the common anonymous pseudo name, you could summon up a variety of sex that does need concentration. Nothing wrong with wanting to please one's partner.

Rabid,

You can count on me to catch those things..

rabidrunner said...

Hot Dang! Larsie's a pal. However, I stand relieved because the point of this post was to receive pity from anonymous lurkers and not necessarily to point out the differences in the female wiring(from my point of view, of course.)

maria said...

Oh my word! One of the best posts I have ever read!!

Makell said...

Don't!.... Stop! .... you are killing me! Nutella, sex, nutz, happy hooker, friction, Paula the gym rat...Who writes like this?! Very few can put it out there so eloquently. As a recovering chocoholic, this post was spot on! It's like you are articulating my inner spaz like I never could. You have a gift - thanks for spreading the love. Literally :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, I always feel so sorry for women that feel sex is such a chore. There are just too many of you that feel this way. I guess my husband just knows what he's doing, because Nutella doesn't come close. Are you all Mormon's? Ooh, did I actually post that?

rabidrunner said...

It's Mormons (in the plural) not Mormon's (showing ownership.) Since we seem to be bragging I thought I'd join in and show that I know stuff about punctuation.

Sparks said...

Aw, Rabid. You beat me to it. I was thrilled to be able to correct ditsy Anonymous' idiot error.

Anon., dearie (assuming you're a woman and not a gay man talking about your husband--if that's the case I'd call you "dude" instead of "dearie"), if you're so proud of your sex life, I am confused as to why you wouldn't post using your own name? I know when I'm proud of something--I mean really proud, not just posturing--I use my own name. It sort of mitigates your Hah, take that! moment, doesn't it? Wouldn't you be more triumphant to have used your own name so that we could link over to the blog you maintain and read about your riotous sex life?

Unfortunately, on said blog we'd also be reading a lot of grammatical errors and tidbits on a listless, single dimensional life; for a good friend of mine has theorized that with intelligence and responsibility comes a lack of lust for sex. So I'm sorry that I don't get the read the blog about your life where you get up, eat breakfast, watch soaps, walk to the park, maybe go to yoga (but a very easy class), and then screw for three hours and pass out after drip out. Okay, not so sorry that I don't get to read that, because it would be painfully boring. And then there's your inability to navigate through the system of English grammar; that alone would send me packing after the first paragraph. (It's called a "paragraph" when it's in prose and a "stanza" when it's in poetry. I thought it might be fun to try and teach you something so long as I was here.)

Though our Rabid is brilliant, she's not the first (and won't be the last) woman (or man) to make a sex/food parallel/comparison. It's awfully common. Though we Mormons are bright and funny, this isn't a analogy we own. Even non Mormons have compared or lamented or joked. I wish we had the rights to that funny take, but we don't.

I'd love to take a little more time to teach you things, Anonymous, (things which very likely would go in one ear and right through your empty head to zip out the other) but I have scholarship applications for graduate school to go finish. No, I'm not just saying that. I've even mentioned this upcoming adventure on my blog. The blog you could link to from here because I am writing under my own name and I mentioned it on my blog. I have to work on these applications and then I have to put together a routing plan for my work day tomorrow because my boss is in town. I'm a drug rep, and if you think getting that job is as easy as getting an orgasm, you're just as stupid as I thought.

Am I bragging? Honestly, no. Why would I have to do that? I'm just telling you what my evening looks like. It's the truth. The truth under my own name.

Once I've finished the applications and the preparations for my day of selling drugs for atherothrombosis and atrial fibrillation my husband will probably be home from his meeting. And he'll probably want to have sex. For he always does. And I'll probably tell him I'm too mentally fatigued; for when you spend your whole day focusing and leaning and improving and attending to responsibility, it's incredibly difficult to just abandon that mindset when your spouse wants a romp session. Even if he is a wizard with the tongue and hands and thrusts. And, well, he is.

Lars said...

Sparks sure knows how to zing 'em. And Anonymous it is actually Latter Day Saint(s). If you are going to resort to that at least get the proper name. If she had mentioned Kosher dill pickles would you have called us all Jews? I think not because it is irrelevant and rude. Just like you.

rabidrunner said...

Sparks! All that punctuation just gave me a giant woody.

Lars said...

I enjoyed her use of imagery Rabid.....I mean, "pass out after drip out." Classic.

marsha said...

Thank you for this post (and the non-Anonymous comments)! I love that you put into words what MANY women may be feeling. And the way you put it into words is impressive.

Winder said...

Sparks,this is why we love you so.

Jessica said...

I love you guys. Well, not so much Anon, but the rest of you.

Intelligence and responsibility last, the lust for sex fades.