The Fart Fish is actually a killer whale. Killer whales were dubbed as Fart Fishes last night by Spouse and Yahoo #2. You see, we have this giant stuffed Shamu. For those of you not in the theme park know-how-and-to, Shamu is the King Killer Whale at Sea World. Yahoo #2 was riding the stuffed Shamu around last night while making his flatulent boy noises. "See Mom," Yahoo #2 says, "he farts and that's what makes him swim."
I gave Spouse that blank I'm-surrounded-by-stinky-and-savage-boys stare. Spouse returned with "It's a Fart Fish." Then went back to reading about Java Servlets or whatever geeky magnum opus he's got his nose in these days.
How is it that I started this Tuesday Tune featurette in hopes of telling you all about Olympic Osomeness and have now digressed to Fart Fishes? It's because I'm surround by stinky and savage boys.
Anyway, the Olympics have swallowed me up like a Fart Fish. Not that being swallowed up like a Fart Fish is bad, it's just that it's consuming all of the free time that I don't actually have. And if I don't have any free time for the Olympics to swallow, then the productive time is being swallowed. Not much is getting accomplished around here.
It's rather inconvenient that the Olympics came to town right in the middle of the Tax Season. Inconvenient is not the right word, however. A sea-like metaphor and simile is necessary for granting due process to the tragedy of the Winter Olympics on top of the Tax Season. So here goes: It's as if the Olympics have swallowed me up like a Fart Fish while the Fire Breathing Loch Ness of Tax Season pummeled the Fart Fish to bits.
If only the day had 48 hours. Sigh.
Today I would like to share and document my favorite Olympic stories. Thus far, my favorites are Shannon Bahrke, Johnny Spillan, J.R. Celski and Eric Heiden.
Shannon Bahrke is a favorite for many reasons. I've actually grown green moldy goo all about myself because of the envy I have over Shannon's very existence. First and foremost, she can blast the bumps. I cannot blast the bumps. I can't even ski the bumps. And now that I'm just 28 months away from that dreadful age o' 40, I might never learn to ski the bumps. Other reasons to envy Shannon? She's now the proud owner of an Olympic Bronze Medal (for bump blasting of course) and she's engaged to be married on 10/10/10. 10/10/10!? 10/10/10 is paramount of all wedding dates. Paramount. Spouse and I thought we were cool for getting married in the year 2000. Bah! We were dumb.
As if all of the above is not enough to spit eye-darts at the girl (for being so dang cool), she plans to marry a gent with the last name of Happe (pronounced Happy). On 10/10/10, Shannon Bahrke will become Shannon Happy.
There is no better last name. I'm convinced.
Johnny Spillane is the first American in history to Medal at an Olympic cross-country event. And by Medal (capitalized on purpose), I mean a big fat Gold in the Nordic Combined. Cross-country skiing has been dominated by the Swiss, the Norwegians, the Swedes, the Italians, the French... pretty much everyone but the U.S. Now, in the year-of-our-Lord 2010, an American has finally Medaled in a cross-country ski event.
That's pretty much all that is cool about Johnny. He does live in Colorado though, so I suppose that's another thing that's cool about Johnny. Colorado is awesome for it has the simplest tax code of all the states and Coloradoians get a workout in their sleep--what with the altitude being so up there and all.
J.R. Celski won a Bronze in the Men's Short Track 1500 -- an awesome feat no doubt, but that medal is not what is so cool about J.R. He trains with Apolo Anton Oh No (Oh yeah!) in Seattle, but that still is not what's so cool about J.R. Do you know what is so cool about J.R.? In September of last year, the poor guy sliced his thigh open with his own skate. Nearly bled to death. Cutting your leg with your own skate isn't the cool part. The cool part is that he was able to rehab that thigh and make it to the Olympics. Now, how exactly, did this Celski guy rehab that thigh is so little time? With the help of.... da da da daaaaah....
The one and only Eric Heiden is a speed skater who won a lofty five medals in the 1980 Olympics. All of those medals were Gold. One might say that Eric Heiden won all the medals to all the events. But that alone is not what makes Eric Heiden so cool. What makes Eric Heiden transcend the awesomest of awesome is that he is an orthopedic surgeon at a place called TOSH in Salt Lake City. TOSH holds a very special place in my heart for the TOSH people put Spouse back together after he hacked-up his heels. And as if putting Spouse back together wasn't cool enough, they also helped him learn to walk.