Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Tuesday Tunes, Fart Fishes and Olympic Osomeness

I don't have a tune today. I have plenty of tunes to choose from but I have no theme to go with a tune.  I blame the Olympics.  Every time the Olympics come to town -- and by "come to town," I mean "come to my TV" -- my life goes to pot in a pannikin.  Those Olympics swallow me up like a Fart Fish.

Fart Fish?!

The Fart Fish is actually a killer whale.   Killer whales were dubbed as Fart Fishes last night by Spouse and Yahoo #2.  You see, we have this giant stuffed Shamu.  For those of you not in the theme park know-how-and-to, Shamu is the King Killer Whale at Sea World.  Yahoo #2 was riding the stuffed Shamu around last night while making his flatulent boy noises. "See Mom," Yahoo #2 says, "he farts and that's what makes him swim." 

I gave Spouse that blank I'm-surrounded-by-stinky-and-savage-boys stare.  Spouse returned with "It's a Fart Fish."  Then went back to reading about Java Servlets or whatever geeky magnum opus he's got his nose in these days.

How is it that I started this Tuesday Tune featurette in hopes of telling you all about Olympic Osomeness and have now digressed to Fart Fishes?  It's because I'm surround by stinky and savage boys.

Anyway, the Olympics have swallowed me up like a Fart Fish.  Not that being swallowed up like a Fart Fish is bad, it's just that it's consuming all of the free time that I don't actually have.  And if I don't have any free time for the Olympics to swallow, then the productive time is being swallowed.  Not much is getting accomplished around here.

It's rather inconvenient that the Olympics came to town right in the middle of the Tax Season.  Inconvenient is not the right word, however.  A sea-like metaphor and simile is necessary for granting due process to the tragedy of the Winter Olympics on top of the Tax Season.  So here goes:  It's as if the Olympics have swallowed me up like a Fart Fish while the Fire Breathing Loch Ness of Tax Season pummeled the Fart Fish to bits.

If only the day had 48 hours.  Sigh.

Today I would like to share and document my favorite Olympic stories.  Thus far, my favorites are Shannon Bahrke, Johnny Spillan, J.R. Celski and Eric Heiden.

Shannon Bahrke


Shannon Bahrke is a favorite for many reasons.  I've actually grown green moldy goo all about myself because of the envy I have over Shannon's very existence.  First and foremost, she can blast the bumps.  I cannot blast the bumps.  I can't even ski the bumps.  And now that I'm just 28 months away from that dreadful age o' 40, I might never learn to ski the bumps.  Other reasons to envy Shannon?  She's now the proud owner of an Olympic Bronze Medal (for bump blasting of course) and she's engaged to be married on 10/10/10.  10/10/10!?  10/10/10 is paramount of all wedding dates.  Paramount.  Spouse and I thought we were cool for getting married in the year 2000.  Bah!  We were dumb.

As if all of the above is not enough to spit eye-darts at the girl (for being so dang cool), she plans to marry a gent with the last name of Happe (pronounced Happy).  On 10/10/10, Shannon Bahrke will become Shannon Happy.

There is no better last name.  I'm convinced. 

Johnny Spillane



Johnny Spillane is the first American in history to Medal at an Olympic cross-country event.  And by Medal (capitalized on purpose), I mean a big fat Gold in the Nordic Combined.  Cross-country skiing has been dominated by the Swiss, the Norwegians, the Swedes, the Italians, the French... pretty much everyone but the U.S.  Now, in the year-of-our-Lord 2010, an American has finally Medaled in a cross-country ski event.

That's pretty much all that is cool about Johnny.  He does live in Colorado though, so I suppose that's another thing that's cool about Johnny.  Colorado is awesome for it has the simplest tax code of all the states and Coloradoians get a workout in their sleep--what with the altitude being so up there and all.

J.R. Celski


J.R. Celski won a Bronze in the Men's Short Track 1500 -- an awesome feat no doubt, but that medal is not what is so cool about J.R.  He trains with Apolo Anton Oh No (Oh yeah!) in Seattle, but that still is not what's so cool about J.R.  Do you know what is so cool about J.R.?  In September of last year, the poor guy sliced his thigh open with his own skate.  Nearly bled to death.  Cutting your leg with your own skate isn't the cool part.  The cool part is that he was able to rehab that thigh and make it to the Olympics.  Now, how exactly, did this Celski guy rehab that thigh is so little time?  With the help of.... da da da daaaaah....

Eric Heiden


The one and only Eric Heiden is a speed skater who won a lofty five medals in the 1980 Olympics.  All of those medals were Gold.  One might say that Eric Heiden won all the medals to all the events.  But that alone is not what makes Eric Heiden so cool.  What makes Eric Heiden transcend the awesomest of awesome is that he is an orthopedic surgeon at a place called TOSH in Salt Lake City.  TOSH holds a very special place in my heart for the TOSH people put Spouse back together after he hacked-up his heels.  And as if putting Spouse back together wasn't cool enough, they also helped him learn to walk.



Lars said...

What no Bode? Sad...I love me some Bode....I am also sad because I haven't been able to view them Olympics. Damn priorities.

bendone said...

How do you manage to dig up all this stuff? Where do you find the time?

rabidrunner said...

Bode is the balm! Bode's story is so 2002, however. Being somewhat of a contemporary, I must keep the blog up 'n current. That and I don't want to point out the obvious. Unless they do something sneaky, I won't post any commentary on the popular crowd--i.e., Apolo, Shaun, Lindsey.

Lars, damn priorities is right! You can always go to school next year, so ditch the studies for the Olympics because the Olympics won't be here next year. And to top that, Vancouver has proved that the Olympics won't go to Vancouver ever again, so watch up.

Aren't you glad I ain't your momma?!

Benny Beefstick! Shannon lives in Utah and trains at PC, so I just hear stuff about her. The rest of it came from the TV. Except the part about Colorado having the simplest of tax codes (and it really does). That opinion is the greasy residue of five years in the biz.

I've been trying to get Spouse to move on over ta' CO for years. Even found him a job at Google last summer--sadly he didn't even apply for it. Sadly. You'd think the tax code thing would be the catalyst for change, but no. He didn't even budge.

Ski Bike Junkie said...

Another cool thing about Shannon, aside from the fact that she lives and trains right her in the beehive state, is that this happy guy she's engaged to has some pretty serious ties to a local bike shop that some of your readers frequent. Congrats, Shannon!

So, um, why would you want to move to CO? Aside from the tax laws, I can't think of a single way CO is better than UT.

Jessica said...

That J.R. bidness is crazy. Watched the footage of the leg-slicing with some friends. Kinda wanted to throw up. Pretty amazing that he almost died and then came back to win a bronze medal.

rabidrunner said...

Happe's a biker? Now it's beginning to look like there are few who aren't bikers. I suppose I should get on the biking thing...

Why Colorado? Well mostly because I could use a change--but a change in culture not climate, seasons, etc. I love Utah but I could us a break for I've lived here my entire life. Plus think of all that high altitude training! I could grow lungs the size of Iowa.

The petulant ninny said...

now you're talkin'!!!

rabidrunner said...

You want lungs as big as Iowa darling? Or you want me to get on the biking thing?

Winder said...

I also love me some Bode...for different reasons than most. :)

Lars said...

NBC Archives the Olympics so I can come back and watch everything once I graduate....that is if I graduate. Last night in class we has the discussion on "What if we fail our comprehensive exam slash boards slash oral exams...."

I love Bode because he was raised a hippie and he is a rebel. I also like Shani Davis for being a rebel.

rabidrunner said...

Lars will they provide therapy for those who fail the comprehensive slash orals slash business? I hope so. You won't fail. Duh, that would be inconceivable.

So I'm reading Shannon Bahrke's wiki page and it says she's a sprinter that can run 100 meters in 9 seconds. Now who is going to march on over to wiki and change that? Being as Usain Bolt--the current world record holder for MEN--ran a 9.58, I doubt highly that Shannon can beat Usain. She's awesome but not quite that awesome.

Lars said...

My classmates asked me to ask for them what happens if we fail all the above last night in class. It was an interesting conversation. One in which I hope not to discover myself in. The cohort (members of the masters program graduating this Spring) will actually be doing their own therapy regimen: getting shat faced up at Priest Lake in a cabin for a weekend. I will be foregoing the activities. I am just that cool.

You could actually change it yourself I believe. Or you can notify wikipedia of that information and they will change it. Is a cheetah still faster than Usain Bolt?

PhishTako said...

Fart Fish is a very catchy phrase but as you already know, a whale is not a fish.

Aubrey said...

Bode is the Balm? as in Gilead? to heal the sin sick soul?