Thursday, June 04, 2009

Immunizations for the Midlife Crisis

June 4, 2009

I'm surrounded by women in the thick of a midlife crisis. Okay not totally surrounded. I know of a few and I eavesdrop while watching the Yahoos at the pool. All of this midlife crisis BS can be a drag. Other than the fact that it's selfish and immature and annoying, it's downright difficult to understand or empathize.

I'm empathetic. Emphasis on pathetic.

In all seriousness, I wake up every day with monumental gratitude. Spouse can walk. If you want to vent over your toothpaste drama-dirty underwear-doesn't bring me flowers enough-diatribe, forget it. I won't empathize.

In lieu of my pathetic empathy, I'll provide a few options for midlife crisis prevention. An Immunization, if you will. Being a professional watcher of sorts, I've noticed a few reoccurring sagas in each of my subjects.

1) Don't get married young.
2) Don't have kids young. (Wait until your one month shy of 29 - a blatant self righteous plug, in case you missed it.)
3) Stop having kids BEFORE you hit that breaking point. Keep in mind you will not see your child-raising limitation until you PASS IT. (No self-righteous plug here. Might have passed it already.)
4) Spend more time naked.
5) If all else fails, learn to play tennis. Smacking that ball with a grunt like Anna's is bound to relieve some stress. Cheaper than the Hummer too. Which brings up an interesting point - what happened to the sports car midlife? They're all buying Hummers now. This isn't a good move financially, being as the Hummer (or the make-believe Hummer without the shrapnel accessory and mega-axle) is being orphaned as we speak. Sigh.

Selfish right? To some yes. Need a reminder of the rabidrunner mantra?

A man's got to know his limitations.

*** For the record, I haven't yet learned to play tennis. It's my secret scheme for battling the midlife crisis. If you hear of my plans to learn the whack-it-back-n-forth game involving the squishy yellow ball, note that I'm in trouble. Or better yet... Spouse is in trouble.


Winder said...

Wait for me before you have your midlife crisis -- I will join you. Why? 'Cause I want to!

meg said...

Add this to some list somewhere (which I am secretly keeping) of things to talk about if ever we meet. It appears you have an opinion here. I share it. Them. I want to whack those women with the tennis rackets.

As you said, Spouse can walk. Everyone should shut up.

megan said...

should've switched your numbers around and not put the nakes one by the tennis one...'cause I'm just getting these really really wrong visions of

Vera said...

What people don’t understand is normally rabid and I are EXACTLY alike. BUT on this topic, we are different. I don’t not actually agree with the list, and since I am much closer to mid life and God knows the way I have lived should be long gone already, here is the list:

1-get married young and get the first husband right out of the way and move on to the 2nd (marry better the 2nd time, because like bodily functions there is only #1 and # 2)
2-have kids young, have your mom get them out of diapers and return them to you
3-only have one from each spouse; then you can always compare them against your spouses’ bad traits and your good ones
4-wear interesting socks when you are naked….and dance like Elaine on Seinfield so iffin you don’t look good at least you’re funny
5-Buy a .22, drink beer and shoot bottles…get a jeep and enjoy the finer points of being a redneck.

Mid life crisis is for people who spend WAY too much time worrying about what others think. Am I pretty enough, do I need a boob job, did I say the right thing, does everyone like me.

BTW, when is midlife crisis, I hope I didn’t miss it!