Sunday, March 15, 2009

My Problem With Fairy Tales

March 15, 2009

Spouse and I had a discussion about fairy tales and their repulsive shallowness. After said discussion, I've decided to blame all of my impasses on the fact that my poor brain was washed squeaky clean by the weaker sex fairy tales. (Did I type weaker sex out loud? I believe I did! On purpose!)

Let's dissect a few of those weaker sex fairy tales, shall we?

Cinderella. This poor girl is oppressed. She's forced to do kitchen duties and live in the cinders while her ugly stepmother and sisters ridicule her and lay about lazily. At ball time, poor Cinderella can't go because the uglies are afraid she'll steal the prince and live happily ever after.

In a nutshell (all wrapped up nice and cute): Cinderella is oppressed by jealous and ugly stepmonsters. Why? Because she's beautiful.

Snow White. This tale is about a brunette beauty taking her leisure with little dudes who whistle while they work. She sings horribly into a wishing well about finding some dumb prince. The reigning queen discovers from a talking mirror that Snow White is "the fairest in all the land". The queen can't have that! She feeds Snow White a poison apple that makes sweet Snowie go nigh-nigh until the prince in the well learns to swim.

Nutshell: Snow White is oppressed by a jealous queen. Why? Because she's beautiful.

Sleeping Beauty: Second verse same as the first, EXCEPT! sleeping beauty was insanely beautiful as a baby. So pretty was she, that while still a baby, a witch cursed her 18th birthday. On said birthday, while performing her matronly duties, Sleeping Beauty would prick her finger on a needle and go to sleep. She will remain so until some schmuck with bad breath lays one on her.

Nutshell: Sleeping Beauty is oppressed by a jealous witch. Why? Because she's beautiful.

Do you see the pattern?

Treated badly? Are others jealous? Congrats! You're beautiful!
People treating you okay? You must be ugly.

Now get out there and find someone to treat you badly so that you can feel good about yourself!


*Afterthot.... why did the jealous bitches provide the "prince charming" loop hole in every one of their curses? To see if the oppressed are in fact beautiful enough to entice men dressed in tight white pants and fluffy blouses? Beautiful enough to turn the gay straight, perhaps?


Becca said...

I think I must be the ugly duckling...quick analyze that one for me!

rabidrunner said...

Becca - that's gratitude!

The MacMizzles said...

I see another pattern. Jealousy is rarely because someone can work hard, do something neat, or treat people well. Jealousy is quite shallow.

Doggie B said...

Your insight is amazing! :)

Jessica said...

now that i'm a blogger and all, i just wrote a post about this. but i SWEAR i didn't read this post first. granted, your post is much funnier because you're Rabid!