Friday, January 23, 2009

Holy Guacomole

January 23, 2009

Me: I could go vegan

Spouse: (With one eyebrow cocked), Oh yeah. What makes you say that?

Me: I could live on guac and soy milk.

It’s true I could (except for a burger now and again, especially a jalapeno burger – with guac, and a nice almost raw petite sirloin – smothered in guac, yum!)

But if I HAD to, I could be a Guac-Soy Vegan. I’m already thinking of recipes. Like the GuacSoSmoothie, which is a blender full of guac, soy milk and crushed ice. Best consumed through a straw. Or Guac Cereal - almost-ripe avocado chunks in a bowl with soy milk drizzled over the top. Could be garnished with the pit.

This is great fun, isn’t it? The thought of dietary restriction has sparked an interest in my loins over what diets there are – way out there. (Those of you who know me, will attest that dietary restriction is not part of my plan. Unless of course it’s the removal of hydrogenated oil. That abhorrent stuff is two molecules away from a plastic bag – definitely not part of my plan).

Anyway, let’s get back to dietary restrictions, shall we?

The commons include Vegetarianism (no meat), Veganism (no meat, no animal by-products, but leather boots are A-OK), Hard-Core Veganism (same as Veganism but no boots - who wants to eat boots?), and the South Beachism, Weight Watchersism, Atkinsism diets.

To keep myself awake, I will resist the paralyzing urge to discuss or research diets intended to lose weight. We all know it’s a burn more calories than you eat thing, right? Pretty simple.

The first out-there fascination is Raw Foodism. The title says it all on this one - raw, unprocessed, unpasteurized food. Bread? Nope. Kim chi? Yip. Soup? Nope. Sushi? Yip. Raw Oats? Yip, but you’ll turn into a horse. Let's see if it passes the Soy milk -Guac test. Is soy milk cooked? Don’t think so. Guac? It's good on Raw Foodism!

The second menu of restriction is Paleolithicism. On this one, you can only eat food that was around during the Paleolithic time period. Rumors lead us to believe it was about 10,000 years ago (give or take a few days). I’ll call this one the dinosaur diet. Guac? Stegosauruseses (Stegosaurai?) like guac I’m sure. Soy milk? Possibly. Those cave people were into pounding the soy beans to make juice.

The third and final diet is the most confining of all. It was deemed as such when Spouse asked “What’s the most confining”. Ready? It’s Raw Veganism. Think about that one. All the raw beans, rice and broccoli you can get your hands. And guac? You can have guac!

See? Guac is the universal food.

5 comments:

tom lindsey said...

Rabid Nachos

Ingredients:
1 avocado
3-4 drops of almond oil (rice milk?)

Preparation:
1. Peel and mash avocado and add almond oil until the mass is consistent.
2. Apply to face while massaging it gently.
3. Rest for 30 minutes
4. Remove with organic corn tortilla chips. No double dipping because that would be just gross!

The Super Bowl is coming up-- experiment a little before inviting the neighbors.

Winder said...

If you go Vegan I am not coming over! Wait, I never leave my little prison up north anyhew.

Staci said...

Oh, I could totally be a vegetarian. I can't live without milk but meat just isn't at the top of my list. In fact, being pregnant, it has gone all the way down to the barely palatable.

On the flip side, it is ironic that you posted this because I have lately been singing the praises of the avocado. I cannot get enough of it. Divine, I say, divine. Do you think it's just because they've been on sale at the grocery store?

The McMillans said...

NOOOOOOO!!!!!! You can't go on a diet!!!!!! Who will I watch eat in extreme admiration?

rabidrunner said...

Tom - Nacho dipped face mask? I could be the focal point of the spread - just lay down and take a nap. Who needs to watch the Stupid Bowl anyways?

Winder and Mcmillan - You've both seen me tear apart a big ol' juicy side of beef. No need to worry.

Staci - Avocodos are holy. Being as you are with child - and that child is very close to the Holiness of Above - it only makes sense that you too would be thinking of them.