Sunday June 1, 2008
Have you every received something in the e-mail that you wish you, yourself had written? Oh how I wish I wrote this. I could e-mail this to you all, but e-mail is too convenient. I'm going to make you come here to read it.
The Bible in a Nutshell
"In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one', but I think He must have been a little older than that.
"Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did, so then God made the world. He split an Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
"Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating a bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars yet. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
"Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million or something.
"One of the next most important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would like to have a rain check.
"After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really colorful loud sports coat.
"Another important Bible guy was Moses, but his real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
"Then he gave them his Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
"One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the whole town.
"After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that sure doesn't sound very wise to me.
"After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then was barfed upon the shore.
"There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry much about them.
"After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born inBethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact I was, Mom!')
"During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that it's why they named that terrible vegetable after him.
"Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. The Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just stood there and washed his hands instead.
"Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of The Revolution."