Thursday, May 24, 2007

Your Inner Hunter-Gatherer


I’ve discovered that everyone has an inner hunter-gatherer. What do I mean by this? It’s simple thanks to Wikipedia. A hunter-gathering society “is one whose primary subsistence method involves the direct procurement of edible plants and animals from the wild, foraging and hunting without significant recourse to the domestication of either.” Technically, we are no longer a hunter-gatherer society, because we get our nutrients from agriculture. Yes, even if you eat meat. Because the cows, chickens etc. are agriculturized (hehehe) or raised on farms then uh-hum “taken care of” so as we can consume them.

Since we are no longer a hunter-gatherer world we are lost (by world I mean the U.S. We all know that I’ve lived in Utah County my entire life so the world might as well be the U.S., although I have been to Mexico…). Anyway, we’re lost. We ache, we yearn, we itch to hunt. Even though you might not be hunting for food, you’re hunting for something. Now… close your eyes and figure out what it is you are hunting for and go get it!

Where did the inspiration for this come from? Please allow me to explain. Spouse spent the first 35 years of his life hunting for the perfect woman. So he gathered an array of tools such as colognes, fashionable clothing, and vehicles to aid in his inquisition. Once he found the perfect woman (uh that would be me not Phyllis Diller), he needed to hunt for something else so now he hunts bears. In Alaska. While I'm left here to fend for myself and the yahoos. It’s important to note that he did not hunt animals when we were married. (Who starts hunting at 37?) By the way, he was successful on his Alaskan-Bear-Hunt-Redneck-Rendezvous. I’ve demanded a diamond-studded bear claw necklace.

If I were to nurture my inner hunter-gatherer properly, I would spend time hunting for the perfect photograph, the right pair of shoes (who am I kidding – the right 100 pair of shoes), new words and funny friends (even though I have a bunch already). I would gather music (both CD and digital), various flavors of toothpaste (you must try lemon mint), deodorant, and stretchy pants.

I don’t know that I’m nurturing my inner hunter-gatherer as I spend most of my time hunting for remotes, socks, shoes, the spongey thing to my wheat grinder – lots of crap that’s not important but somehow ends up being urgent (notice that I’ve brought forth my Franklin Covey training). I am, however, gathering toothpaste and deodorant. In fact I bought 6 different flavors of each today.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The 783rd Reason Terrorism Has Wrecked My Life…


I have recently discovered that many of my friends have met their husbands (there’s only one Spouse you know, so we won’t call other people's significant others by marriage “spouse”). Anyway, I have recently discovered that many of my friends have greeted their husbands at the airport wearing nothing (or next to nothing) but a trench type coat. For obvious reasons, that isn’t going to fly anymore. So sorry for spouse… he’s returning from Alaska today. Does anyone have a metal detector? I could turn the house into a mini airport! I'll also need a trench coat, and stilletos with cotton balls on them, and maybe a conveyor belt of some kind, and an escalator, and a gift shop complete with silly little spoons and magnets, and a muffled intercom system, and, oh! the Dandy Warhols and...

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Albums Review


As mentioned earlier, Amazon came to my house! Nothing makes a day better. Here’s a review of what they sent me.

Dimitri From Paris – Sacrebleu
Mostly instrumental, jazz infused, French disco with a twist of 70’s lounge (wow! I am really good at this. Someone should send my blog to Rolling Stone). Perfect for vacuuming in my June Cleaver apron. Must hear: Sacra Francais, Une Very Stylish Fille, Par Un Chemin Different.

Tori Amos – American Doll Posse
Typical Tori – Lots of Pie-Anno and random lyrics that make sense only to true Toriphiles. Must hear: Big Wheel,You Can Bring Your Dog, Girl Disappearing, Father’s Son

James – Pleased To Meet You
Eighties Brit punk/pop that has matured. Layered sounds and upbeat drumming make most of this album worthy of running to! Must hear: Falling Down, English Beefcake, Getting Away With It (all messed up).

Monday, May 07, 2007

Giraffe Money


A while ago, I remember hearing some celebrity refer to ownership of ridiculous amounts of money as having “Giraffe Money.” (Said celebrity must have been interesting and very famous because I don’t exactly remember WHO). The idea is that these are the people who can afford to have giraffes as pets. Most of us are stuck with Labrador or Beagle money. There are a few who have rare exotic bird or banana snake money, but the rest of us have cheap breed or mutt money.

Many a night I lie beneath the stars and ponder the things I’d do (emphasis on DO not BUY, speaking of buy – Amazon came today!) with Giraffe Money. Here’s a few…

  • Buy a fancy dress and matching hat for the Winder and I to wear to the Kentucky Derby whereby we’d sip non-alcoholic mint juleps. We should have fancy white gloves for all of that hand shaking.
  • Complete a worldwide tour-de-roller coasters.
  • Budget $10,000 yearly for April Fool’s pranks.
  • Take a ride on one of those zero gravity planes.
  • Buy an apartment building and charge rent. Then at the end of the year, give the tenants their money back and send ‘em off to buy a new house! I’d need to sell the apartment building then buy another one after that (using my other name - Joan Jett) ‘cause every free-loader in the country would be wanting in!
  • Fly my running buddies to New York to run the marathon.
  • Pay for cleft palette surgery for every last child born with one.
  • Take Vera to Lollapalooza every year (viva Chicago!)
  • Invent a new GPS running watch... Garmin, you suck but there's no alternative!
  • Ride dune buggies then ski indoors in Dubai.
  • Follow the Tour de France. (As opposed to listening to the comments of Al Trautwig and Bob Roll and Phil Ligget and Mark what’s his name).
  • Speaking of Mark, take guitar lessons from Mark Knopfler.
  • Photograph large animals in Africa whilest the sun is setting and the wind is blowing. (There’s nothing like a fierce lion under a sunset with that mane blowing everywheres. Or the way the wind makes elephants look just “so.” I’ll pay for Stu to come too so that he can protect me with his new birthday present.)
  • Thailand.
  • Pay for an Oingo Boingo reunion. Or better yet, lemme watch Danny Elfman when he’s creating music for his next movie.
  • Send Spouse to hunt creatures in New Zealand during the summer months of course so that I can ski (the seasons are switched down under, you know).
  • Watch Annie Leibowitz in action. If you need to know who Annie Leibowitz is - then well you don’t deserve to know who she is.
  • Attend the summer and winter Olympics.
  • Run a marathon in a different country every year.
  • Find a cure for arther-itis.
  • Leave the country during the World Series and maybe March Madness too (that's for you Jay).

    The list is endless….