Friday, March 30, 2007

Hypocrisy

3/30/2007

Enough with the Green. Wow. That made my tummy ache. I was trying desperately to increase the number of hits on my blog and the repeated green just made me feel well... green.

Anyway. I've had a thought lately. If I admit I'm a hypocrit does that mean I'm not a hypocrit?

Sunday, March 25, 2007

GREEN

3/25/2007

Hey did you notice the new “template”? It’s green (just in case it didn’t slap you silly when you first pulled it up). There’s a reason for the green. Today’s blog is an honorary tribute to the latest religious conquest: “I’m going green.”

You’ve seen it. I know you have. Flocks of seagulls (okay people) are joining the latest hip club with passion in their eyes, commitment in their voices and sacrifice in their wallets. They ran like crazed jaguars (all that carrot beet wheat grass juice gives ‘em spots) to the nearest hardware store for boxes and boxes of light bulbs. They purchased hybrid vehicles, they installed wind driven energy makers in their back yards. They’ve replaced their furnaces, windows, and toilets (now they need to “help” when they flush!) They’ve joined the “Green” religion.

What is the Green religion, you ask? I just knew you were asking (you are obviously full of questions. Reading this site proves you’re questionable.) The Green party started not long ago when a certain someone spent 40 days and 40 nights in a political wilderness. In that wilderness a deity delivered a condemning message of earthly destruction. Shortly thereafter some rules were printed on recycled paper. They were as follows:

  • Thou shalt throw all your light bulbs out (I’m sure the effect of all that trash will be canceled out by the redeeming qualities of the next rule).
  • Thou shalt install fluorescent light bulbs.
  • Thou shalt turn to Yosemite Valley (or Jellystone – or Glacier – depends on the prophet) to pray thrice daily.
  • Thou shalt reduce your carbon footprint by limiting your exhales to 126 a day and losing 8 pounds.
  • Thou shalt purchase expensive hybrid vehicle (complete with large battery that must be replaced after 60,000 miles and still exhales gaseous amounts of carbon dioxide because it burns fuel, i.e. GAS-O-LINE).
  • Thou shalt have silent green thoughts while giving birth and no meds for the baby blues. We have baby greens (ooh yum, with blue cheese and a light vinegarette).
  • Thou shalt curse those who defile the earth (Anwar, Walmart, GM, rabidrunner, Major League Baseball).
  • Thou shalt recycle all forms of paper, aluminum, and plastics 1-8.
  • Thou shalt shut down all factories (but I need a factory to build my hybrid!)
  • Thou shalt drink water from the tap (ahhh, come on, no more bottled water? What about those contaminants? The chlorine? The aftertaste?)
  • Thou shalt glue a tiny clover leaf between your eyes.
  • Thou shalt wear a green string-like bracelet to let everyone know your religious orientation.
  • Thou shalt send boys and girls with name tags (made of hemp of course) in groups of twos, door-to-door to convert the non-believers.
  • Thou shalt be grateful for not being as stupid as those who trash the earth.

Other than the rules, I feel one more item should be discussed. Where’s the Holy Green Land? I think it’s Jellystone… Old Faithful not being faithful anymore is definitely a sign.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Snoopy

3/14/2007

It’s been 6 whole day since I “blogged” last. I don’t really have much to say but I’ve missed the whole publishing connection. You know, it makes me feel as if I’m doing something that will be around a while. Kind of like that one time that I helped finish the Zimmerman’s driveway (or that one time… at band camp). So I figured I just start writing and see where it takes me.

There is one thing that should be known about me. I’m snoopy… and not in that cute cartoon kind of way. Ask the neighbors. It’s not a coincidence that I happen to show up just as they’re pulling their mail out of the box. I usually start a casual conversation like hey, what was your adjusted gross income last year? Do you frequent those 12 step program groups? Were you pregnant when you got married? Does your husband have something wrong with his left ear? Do your kids have ADD? While I’m blowing them away with invasive conversation, I’ll look at their mail. It’s amazing what you discover about a person by doing something as simple as looking at their mail. You can find important things like their middle initial (or a bonus of the WHOLE MIDDLE NAME) and the grocery stores in which they’ve “signed up for great savings.” The great thing too, is if you’re like me and you feel life is one giant marketing research campaign, you can see what types of stuff they buy and THEN PUT THEM IN A DEMOGRAPHIC!!!! (Isn’t that exciting?)

Let’s take one neighbor (and I won’t name any names like I named the Zimmermans), there are many interesting items delivered in their mailbox. (Okay… so I don’t want anybody turning me in. I realize that it’s a federal crime to mess with a mailbox that doesn’t belong to you, but I’m not reaching into the mailbox. I’m gazing below the sunglasses with my strategic 20/20). Back to the neighbor. This neighbor would have a wild collection of stuff delivered. You might find a letter from attorneys Emerson, Lake, Palmer, & Howe that would conclude that they’re undertaking some fancy pants legal work. Like say, oh, maybe a will or divorce or if they have a lot of money a trust or foundation. If it’s a will, it would be time to suck-up so that you can get yourself written in there somehow (even though you’re just a neighbor). If it’s a divorce, I’d suggest staying as far away as possible. Speaking of which, there’s this new show that starts on Monday (3/19) on Court TV called “Till Death Due Us Part.” Each episode is a re-enactment of a real life marriage that ends in the murder of one of by the other (can you claim the Qualified Widow(er) Filing Status if you’re the one that did the actual killing? But then you have to have kids to qualify). Anyway, it’s hosted by the “Groom Reaper.” I might report on that. Stay tuned.

Another item of importance that might be found in said neighbor’s mailbox is a Cabela’s catalog coupled with Backpacker and Outside magazines. This just screams “Hey look at me! I’m outdoorsy and love to be outside but I don’t have time to do it so I'll just buy all the gear and read about adventure while I’m on the can!” You could top it off with the Title 9 Sports catalog and then get on their case because their feminism single-handedly killed Men’s Gymnastics in colleges across the country. Ah… that’s a bummer.

The next day they might get Guns ‘r Us (not to be confused with Guns ‘n Roses… that’s a rock band that produced such hits as “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and “Welcome to the Jungle.”) This magazine demonstrates that they like guns but know nothing about them. I can bet my last ten bucks that the PITA monthly will be sent to their PO box with the smut. JUST KIDDING! I have more than ten bucks.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Diagnosis

3/6/2007

I think I have Pes Anserine Bursa. Sounds bad doesn’t it. And what is meant by “Dividing Canaan”? What’s the symbolism behind the “Crocodile Rock?” Or maybe Elton John doesn’t do symbolism because he’d be too deep to wear those fruity outfits. Too bad I can’t borrow one of those. And why must I endure 8 minutes 13 seconds of silence before I can hear the “bonus track”? Doesn’t sound like much of a bonus to me. That’s 8 minutes 13 seconds that I could spend doing something valuable like writing my name on my underwear, a task that cannot be achieved in silence. Do question marks go inside or outside of quotes? Speaking of time, did anyone feel robbed in that I’ve been used and thrown out sort of way when they watched Superman Returns? That’s 2 hours 34 minutes that I could spend writing my name on other items of clothing. Or reviewing the nifty features on my new GPS that doubles as a mileage tracker and portal to the Power Ranger world (yet another robbing form of entertainment). That would make a great list. “Movies That Left Me Feeling Robbed.” We should start it now. Please comment.

I guess the diagnosis is “scatter brained” or “tends to think in an erratic pinball machine method.” I’m used to that.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Forthrightness

3/4/2007

I was rummaging through some junk the other day and happened upon an E-Love-Mail. For those of you who are confused, an E-Love-Mail is a love note sent via e-mail… not to be confused with an E-Argue-Mail. This is where Spouse leaves the house for work after doing something terrible (like crumbs on the counter or heaven forbid left the toilet seat up!) and I march down to my favorite communicating device and fire off a nasty let’s fight e-mail. I don’t usually hold back. This tends to occur during a certain time of the lunar phase known as “Look Out She’s Morphed Into the PMS Avenger.” The date of this E-Love-Mail was 3/16/01.

I’m not going to embarrass Spouse by going into the details of this E-Love-Mail. There was one comment that produced a giant belly laugh... Are you ready for this? He said “I like your forthrightness.” Hah! After seven years of marriage, two boys and who knows HOW many E-Argue-Mails, I wonder how much he likes my forthrightness now!