Wednesday, January 31, 2007

My Exciting Day

January 29, 2007

On Monday, the 29th day of January, I drove home from my sub-sane temperature and polluted run (yes, I DRIVE to run, just like you drive around for 5 minutes until you find the best parking spot at the gym. Admit it, you know you do). So I'm about 50 yards from my house when I happened to notice the odometer (something I do rarely):

Nifty huh? I was so excited I drove slowly to the garage so that I could take a picture of it. Driving slowly will keep the odometer from advancing. I figure that if I slow down, I can keep the mileage down on my car.

I realized later that I had missed 101010. Taking a picture of THAT would impress all of my bit head friends.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

To Spank or Not to Spank….and a Black and White Pussy

January 25, 2007

So I’m watching the Today show the other day (sad to admit I know, but what’s even sadder/more embarrassing is the fact that I watch it every day and I’ve never lived outside of Utah county) anyway… watching the Today show and Meredith introduces a new hot topic. The state of California is introducing a bill that would ban spanking children who are under 3 years of age. Yes, that includes your own. I was on the couch crocheting the latest hat and became excited! Not because I have an opinion on the matter, but because I felt a blog brewing!!!! The Grin came out. The feet began to tap each other in anticipation. All I needed now was a Thesaurus! And then it got even better.

Meredith (when you’re a regular, you can address them by their first name) interviewed a woman by the name of Sally Lieber. Sally is the mastermind behind the bill. “Assemblywoman Lieber” presented many noteworthy comments. Those in quotes are actual quotes and can be viewed from:

  • The Bill has been named the “National Effective Parenting Initiative”
  • In regards to children and punishment/discipline, Assemblywoman Lieber began by saying “We wanta take a gray area and make it black and white”
  • When asked about the magic age of 3, good ole Sally said that she thought that age would be “politically feasible.”
  • Sally says that spanking is used to punish infants and toddlers “for not having language ability; for not having impulse control” and should be outlawed.
  • The initiative will be a misdemeanor which has a maximum (I must add that Sally says “maximum” in a way that pretty much proves she’s a transport from the East – but that’s totally unrelated. How strange that I’d intervene with something totally unrelated) … a misdemeanor which has a maximum punishment of one (1) year in jail and $1000 fine.
  • Sally has generously offered “Anger Management, Parenting Education, uh, uh, uh, and a number of other possibilities” instead of the above referenced punishment.

Okay. Do you think Sally has Children? Do you think Sally has ever raised Children? There’s nothing Black and White about kids. I would suggest a variant of yellow (because they are the ones that make the sun rise), or purple (if you beat them), or brown (if there’s a diaper to be changed), or orange (‘cause you gave ‘em cheetos).

I said to the Spouse, “she doesn't have kids” or something like that. (Unlike the Today show I don’t have everything videotaped and streamed on the internet, so pardon my paraphrasing. But oh! Wouldn’t THAT be scary? Maybe we should introduce a bill that would prevent THAT from happening.) Spouse said something along the lines of “how do you know?” I sprouted an opinion that went something like “anyone who hasn’t conceived of/adopted and raised/disciplined is not qualified to write a ‘National Effective Parenting Initiative.’” But I was just guessing. We still had no proof that she was without fruit.

And then it happened (here’s where the pussy plays in this whole saga). I received an e-mail from Spouse with the subject “You were right.” Ahhhhh…. The sound (or sight) of someone (especially Spouse) saying “You were right.” I opened the e-mail and within it lay a nice neat paragraph. It was an excerpt from the Sally Lieber’s biography. (You’re thinking that “the” was a typo, but oh contraire my friend). You can view this piece of history at:

Specifically, I would like to mention this:

“Sally represents the 22nd District, considered the ‘Heart of Silicon Valley,’ where she lives with her husband David. They are proud to be active in neighborhood and community activities, enjoy hiking and windsurfing and take seriously their role as pet guardians for a politically astute black-and-white cat.”

Need I mention that she has a black and white pussy cat, and no black and white kids to give merit to her black and white bill?

Okay then. Let’s get spankin’!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Fascination with Numbers

January 16, 2007

We like numbers. We need numbers. We do not feel complete unless our goals (I wanna run a 3 hour marathon), possessions (31 pairs of shoes, 68 hats, 12 types of outdoor gear, and 23 pairs of pants), children (the fewer the better), programs (as in 12 step), and aspirations (I aspire to be among the top 13) can be shown to or heard by someone in an integral fashion. Why is that? I have 7 theories. If you want them, read on. If not, go find 7 other useless ways to eat up the extra time you have.

1- Is it because counting was the first evolutionary step towards the beings we are today? (We all know the second evolutionary step was the ipod which in my case holds 30 gig of stuff and Vera gave me a hat with speakers so I can wear it all day and smile at the kids when I cannot hear them fight thanks to Finger 11, 5 for Fighting, MC 900 Ft, and Led Zepellin’s 1 thru 4). I have an Anthropology Friend (she’s 29 and in her 3rd year of grad school) who might be able let me know if that is true or not.
2- Another theory might be that it is the first real skill we learn. “How old are you little Johnny?” to which little Johnny would hold up his middle finger to show he is 1.
3- The spouse says, “It provides order to the universe” - whatever the hell that means.
4- If numbers weren’t created to describe things, there’d be no way to prove you are better than everybody else. “I can wipe with only 1 square” –or- “I can make a sculpture out of 432 paper clips.”
5- Woman created the number to create a time continuum that would punish their partners for being late. No numbers, no clock. No clock, no time. No time, no late. But then there would be no inches either, would there – see theory 4.
6- It’s almost as if a number validates us. We need some way to quantify our existence and placing a number on items, either tangible or non-tangible, makes us complete. (Someone needs to tell Tom Cruise that it’s numbers, not him, that complete us.)
7- My final theory comes from the International Magazine Consortium or IMC. This group collaborated long ago. They brought with them many slabs of rock and sharp stone like writing utensils and proceeded to perform market research on their fellow hunched and hairy subjects. The IMC concluded, without any doubt, that 1.2 billion magazines can be sold by putting numbers on them. Hah! All of this even before paper was born. Isn’t marketing fantastic?

And so here are the headings I’ll be putting on RabidRunner monthly. (Not all at the same time of course).

17 reasons Herpes will work for you.
121 things you should keep in your purse.
14.5 questions you should ask your children in hopes that they'll hear at least one.
9 cuts of beef you cannot live without.
42 toll-painting tips – even for you!
6 new bikini wax patterns (compete with matching patterns for your back).
91 fail-proof excuses for being who you are!
2 perfumes to have when stranded on a desert island with that guy you promised you’d do nothing with, unless you were stranded on an island together.
5 ways to create an off-shore account (but it will cost more to get there than you have to deposit).
84 terrorists you can find and kill today.
3 ways to keep from crying when you fall in the middle of the road when it’s 6:00 in the morning and 1 degree outside and you’ve flattened your already flat chest and sprained your ankle.

And my personal favorite:
101 blogs to give insight to the Rabidrunner mind. Let’s hope I live long enough to do it.

Friday, January 12, 2007

The PMS Playlist

January 12, 2007

  1. True Grit - The Crystal Method
  2. Black Tongue - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
  3. Cat Scratch Fever - Ted Nugent
  4. Love Is The New Feel Awful - The Dandy Warhols
  5. Back in Black - AC/DC
  6. It's All I Can Do - The Cars
  7. Horse Pills - The Dandy Warhols
  8. Hysteria - Muse
  9. Gouge Away - Pixies
  10. Carry That Weight - The Beetles
  11. Diamonds on The Inside - Ben Harper (more like scratchy kidney stones)
  12. Why's Everybody Alway's Pickin' on Me? - The Bloodhound Gang
  13. Creeping Death - Metallica
  14. Pressure Drop - The Specials
  15. My Beloved Monster - Eels
  16. The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
  17. I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow
  18. Crack Cocaine Ranger - The Dandy Warhols
  19. Queen Bitch - David Bowie
  20. Lighten Up - Morcheeba

Thursday, January 11, 2007

"Quiet Time" has become synonymous with PS2 ecstasy.

That's all I'm going to say.

(January 11, 2008)

Friday, January 05, 2007

Mozart has possessed my house

January 5, 2007

I had an experience not too long ago. And since this experience, I’ve decided that it would be in my best interest to document this experience for future reference and/or entertainment. So here goes:

Not too long ago, my parents went to Europe. If you’re curious about their preparations for this trip to Europe, check out my blog entry labeled “I’m never going to Europe.” Anyhow, they’re both musicians so they pretty much spent the entire time visiting the final resting place of every dead musician they could find (they didn’t, however, make it to Mozart’s grave because as most of you know, he was buried as a pauper in a mass grave. If you need more info, check out the movie named after Wolfey’s middle name. I’m sure it’s accurate).

The parents then went to various dead musician gift shops to purchase for their loved ones a wild assortment of trinkets and chocolates with dead musicians on them. I happened to be the beneficiary of an ornate mouse pad that featured the face of Mozart and the not-so-complete score of Sinfonie in D (That would be Symphony in D, for those of you who don’t speak Austrian or German or whatever the hell it is.)

Okay, so I’m busy doing taxes in my basement (cause that’s what I do for play money. I cannot use “living” cause I’d hate to say that I do taxes for a living - people might think that I’m one of those drab, dry accountants!) Anyway, so I’m doing taxes in my basement, and I start to have trouble with my mouse. It’s important for me to note that the mouse is of the optical variety and has a wire. For no reason, when I’d go to click on something specific (like let’s enter a 1099-R whoopee!) the dang thing would jump up to the upper right hand corner or the lower left corner and I’d have to pick up the mouse and move it (you know how bad that sucks).

After a couple weeks of this, I decided that I’d had enough. I ran a virus scan, I checked for programs that were running that I didn’t on purpose install, I un-installed everything that I could see that wasn’t essential (and some that were essential), I used a different optical wired mouse from my other computer, I re-installed internet exploder, and I tried firefox. I tried everything short of throwing the danged mouse out my make-believe window. After a good couple of hours of bang-your-head troubleshooting, I googled “jumpy mouse.” (By the way, googled is now an official verb and my grammar checker hasn’t figured that out.) After another hour of reading jumpy mouse comments, someone mentioned (and I’m sure you know where this is going) that their mouse was too “busy” and to try a different mouse pad. Well you know what happened next. Black mouse pad – mouse doesn’t jump.