I am not in a funny mood. I’ve been to a funeral today and my first grade Yahoo has anxiety about school. So I thought to myself, what could I write about that would renew my funny outlook on life? And you know the first thing that came to mind? Punctuation. That’s correct, periods, commas, quotations marks, parenthesis, exclamation points. See! It’s working! I’m already laughing out loud.
Here’s why: I’ve done a fair amount of reading lately. I’ve read a couple of books, some documentation, other blogs (my favorite), Arizona tax form instructions (my other favorite), newspapers and magazines. Through the course of my month long read-a-thon, I have discovered that one can definitely overdose on punctuation. Punctuation overdose has frightful side effects which might include: Dizziness, headache, insomnia, tingling, memory loss, damage to nerves causing weakness and/or loss of sensation and/or abnormal sensations, anxiety, depression, tremor, loss of balance, and psychic disturbances. Oh yeah, and maybe a slight rash or death. Would you care for more information? Please read on.
The misuse or abuse of commas can result in hyperventilation (hence the dizziness, headache, loss of balance and abnormal sensations). Commas are used grammatically to induce a pause. Pauses cause breathing. Breathing too frequently causes hyperventilation. Read the following (not out loud I don’t want any of you to expire before your time): I went, to the store, and, on arrival, I, with my child, Yahoo #2, in tow, saw, a clown, complete, with funny, fire, engine. See aren’t you dizzy? Too many commas.
Overdose of the Exclamation Point
Too many !’s make everything just plain ordinary. Exclamation points are used in the English Language to show excitement or enthusiasm. If used too often, everything is exciting and nothing stands out so everything becomes average. I am rabidrunner! I like to run! It is so fun! Today I wore my pink and black top! It has big pockets! The pockets are so big you could hold a small kangaroo! Hurray.
O.D. of the Parenthesis’
Sounds like a Greek Mythological god doesn’t it? The exploitation of parenthesis can cause the reader to become lost and forget where you are going with the current topic. You all know what I’m talking about because you’ve read my blog. (There’s no need to give an example). This one causes anxiety (or depression or maybe the rash) and loss of balance (Yoga’s supposed to help find your inner balance).
The wasteful use of periods can frankly. Make one. Become. An Insomniac. This reminds me of those days in heavy traffic when you hit all of the lights when they are 18 seconds past yellow. Start. Stop. Start again. Stop abruptly. Hurry quick. Oh bummer. Not again.
I feel better now. What funeral? What first grade anxiety? The memory loss side effect has many advantages.