Thursday, August 30, 2007

Punctuation Overdose

I am not in a funny mood. I’ve been to a funeral today and my first grade Yahoo has anxiety about school. So I thought to myself, what could I write about that would renew my funny outlook on life? And you know the first thing that came to mind? Punctuation. That’s correct, periods, commas, quotations marks, parenthesis, exclamation points. See! It’s working! I’m already laughing out loud.

Here’s why: I’ve done a fair amount of reading lately. I’ve read a couple of books, some documentation, other blogs (my favorite), Arizona tax form instructions (my other favorite), newspapers and magazines. Through the course of my month long read-a-thon, I have discovered that one can definitely overdose on punctuation. Punctuation overdose has frightful side effects which might include: Dizziness, headache, insomnia, tingling, memory loss, damage to nerves causing weakness and/or loss of sensation and/or abnormal sensations, anxiety, depression, tremor, loss of balance, and psychic disturbances. Oh yeah, and maybe a slight rash or death. Would you care for more information? Please read on.

Comma Overdose
The misuse or abuse of commas can result in hyperventilation (hence the dizziness, headache, loss of balance and abnormal sensations). Commas are used grammatically to induce a pause. Pauses cause breathing. Breathing too frequently causes hyperventilation. Read the following (not out loud I don’t want any of you to expire before your time): I went, to the store, and, on arrival, I, with my child, Yahoo #2, in tow, saw, a clown, complete, with funny, fire, engine. See aren’t you dizzy? Too many commas.

Overdose of the Exclamation Point
Too many !’s make everything just plain ordinary. Exclamation points are used in the English Language to show excitement or enthusiasm. If used too often, everything is exciting and nothing stands out so everything becomes average. I am rabidrunner! I like to run! It is so fun! Today I wore my pink and black top! It has big pockets! The pockets are so big you could hold a small kangaroo! Hurray.

O.D. of the Parenthesis’
Sounds like a Greek Mythological god doesn’t it? The exploitation of parenthesis can cause the reader to become lost and forget where you are going with the current topic. You all know what I’m talking about because you’ve read my blog. (There’s no need to give an example). This one causes anxiety (or depression or maybe the rash) and loss of balance (Yoga’s supposed to help find your inner balance).

Periods
The wasteful use of periods can frankly. Make one. Become. An Insomniac. This reminds me of those days in heavy traffic when you hit all of the lights when they are 18 seconds past yellow. Start. Stop. Start again. Stop abruptly. Hurry quick. Oh bummer. Not again.

I feel better now. What funeral? What first grade anxiety? The memory loss side effect has many advantages.

8 comments:

Winder said...

Oh, No! I think that I am in grave, danger!(I must use punctuation but rabidrunner might read my blog) What shall I do? Shall I stop the blogging, hide from the world, use extra punctuation,(I think I am doing this) use an extra period for fear I might use the comma in the wrong place!!!!! HELP! People might find out that, I am really an uneducated fool teaching their children! Maybe, I should get back on chompchomp.com to practice my grammar rules! :) (now I am using punctuation for smiley faces take that rabid!)

rabidrunner said...

Puncation used for a smiley face is called an "emoticon," which quite possibly could be the lastest installment of transformers.

The McMillans said...

My whole life I have been wondering why I have depression anxiety rashes sickness insomnia bad dreams loose stools overactive bladder syndrome inability to talk with correct inflation also dizziness sweaty palms and despise happy people now I know the source of all my problems and will stop taking my medicine for herpagonamenstriadisfuntiionitis thanks rabid

rabidrunner said...

I don't know about all of the other stuff, but I'm pretty sure your inflection/inflation problem has to do with the use of too many question marks.

Biker Babe said...

Remind me not to get too close to the mcmillans. I surely do not want to catch herpogona....whatever that may be. Do you think the improper use of punctuation is contagious?

The McMillans said...

Where is Vera? Has anyone heard from Vera on their blog's? I am on to you.

heidiho said...

I want to be the first person to buy your book.

rabidrunner said...

What should my book be about? Speaking of books, what's happened to YOURS?