Thursday, June 07, 2007

Martha Meth


I have more dumb hobbies than I have time for. My latest hobby is a fascination with photoshop and this has by far proved to be the most time-consuming. I could easily burn a lifetime selecting, adding filters, adjusting, layering, dodging, patching and quick correcting. But due to that crazy little thing called “responsibility” (you thought I was going to say that crazy little thing called love, didn’t you? Don't you love Queen?)... due to that crazy little thing called responsibility, I don’t exactly have a lifetime to burn in photoshop.

So the other night, I had this brilliant idea. I’ll get up early in the morning and burn part of my day "burning". I set the alarm for 4:30 and went to bed pumped. As usual, I became coma-toast the minute the hairs hit the pillow and the next thing I knew the alarm went off (you all know what I’m talking about, right? Sometimes I wish that I’d be blessed with insomnia). Anyway, the alarm goes off and you know what I do? I walk across the room, turn the rattling thing off and go back to bed. (See I have to place it strategically so as I have to get up and walk a bit to turn it off. If I do not, unbeknownst to me, the snooze is slapped until Spouse gets mad and threatens to slap me).

If only I didn’t need 7 hours of sleep each night to make it through the day. I heard once that Martha Stewart sleeps around 3-4 hours a night. Wow! That would be beyond awesome. It occurred to me that she can’t do this by herself and must be partaking some substance. It’s Martha Meth (you can see it in her complexion) and I want some. Here’s my first attempt at a recipe.

Martha Meth

  • 1 cup crème fresh
  • 14 leaves of your favorite herbs (pronounced “herbs” not “erbs”)
  • 3 zests of your finest lemons
  • 1 brown egg retrieved from your chicken named Gladys
  • 80 cloves of garlic (if this doesn’t keep you awake, at least it’ll keep anyone from sleeping WITH you)
  • 1 whole chicken* (not Gladys, you’ll need her to provide for tomorrow’s breakfast)
  • 2 Tbs course salt
  • Caper berries

In a 14.8 quart sauce pan, whip crème fresh and add herbs. Add tres lemon zest while repeating your favorite witchy craft chant (if you need help finding your favorite, talk to Vera). Beat egg in a separate bowl until it screams and add to sauce. Pound garlic cloves into chicken with your favorite cleaver (you know the one Spouse stupidly gave you for Christmas? Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the cleaver, but it can be a mighty fine weapon). Add pounded chicken and garlic to sauce pan and sprinkle with salt. Torch it all with one of those blow torch crème brulee thingees and garnish with caper berries.

*Feel free to substitue soggy grape leaves if you cannot find a kosher chicken.

1 comment:

Vera said...

WITCHY CHANT ?..Could it be that I am perceived as anything other than my sweet and loving self? NAY….I’m sure you meant that I am Glenda, the good witch! Here is your chant my brewing buddies-
**Add the lemon-zest and begin…

Round and round the pot we go
Stir in a salesman named Herb
Toss in a hat that is green
From an artisan named melon bean
Simmer whilst listening to Ween.

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble
This concoction is “one of a kind”
Darn, I just broke the stick
I was using to stir up some shit
Maybe Vera’s a witch …yes that’s it!