Monday, May 07, 2007

Giraffe Money


A while ago, I remember hearing some celebrity refer to ownership of ridiculous amounts of money as having “Giraffe Money.” (Said celebrity must have been interesting and very famous because I don’t exactly remember WHO). The idea is that these are the people who can afford to have giraffes as pets. Most of us are stuck with Labrador or Beagle money. There are a few who have rare exotic bird or banana snake money, but the rest of us have cheap breed or mutt money.

Many a night I lie beneath the stars and ponder the things I’d do (emphasis on DO not BUY, speaking of buy – Amazon came today!) with Giraffe Money. Here’s a few…

  • Buy a fancy dress and matching hat for the Winder and I to wear to the Kentucky Derby whereby we’d sip non-alcoholic mint juleps. We should have fancy white gloves for all of that hand shaking.
  • Complete a worldwide tour-de-roller coasters.
  • Budget $10,000 yearly for April Fool’s pranks.
  • Take a ride on one of those zero gravity planes.
  • Buy an apartment building and charge rent. Then at the end of the year, give the tenants their money back and send ‘em off to buy a new house! I’d need to sell the apartment building then buy another one after that (using my other name - Joan Jett) ‘cause every free-loader in the country would be wanting in!
  • Fly my running buddies to New York to run the marathon.
  • Pay for cleft palette surgery for every last child born with one.
  • Take Vera to Lollapalooza every year (viva Chicago!)
  • Invent a new GPS running watch... Garmin, you suck but there's no alternative!
  • Ride dune buggies then ski indoors in Dubai.
  • Follow the Tour de France. (As opposed to listening to the comments of Al Trautwig and Bob Roll and Phil Ligget and Mark what’s his name).
  • Speaking of Mark, take guitar lessons from Mark Knopfler.
  • Photograph large animals in Africa whilest the sun is setting and the wind is blowing. (There’s nothing like a fierce lion under a sunset with that mane blowing everywheres. Or the way the wind makes elephants look just “so.” I’ll pay for Stu to come too so that he can protect me with his new birthday present.)
  • Thailand.
  • Pay for an Oingo Boingo reunion. Or better yet, lemme watch Danny Elfman when he’s creating music for his next movie.
  • Send Spouse to hunt creatures in New Zealand during the summer months of course so that I can ski (the seasons are switched down under, you know).
  • Watch Annie Leibowitz in action. If you need to know who Annie Leibowitz is - then well you don’t deserve to know who she is.
  • Attend the summer and winter Olympics.
  • Run a marathon in a different country every year.
  • Find a cure for arther-itis.
  • Leave the country during the World Series and maybe March Madness too (that's for you Jay).

    The list is endless….


Jay said...

Leave the country during March Madness? Do you have a high fever or received a terrible blow to the head lately? This is a perfect example of how "Giraffe" money makes people crazy. Just the thought of "Giraffe" money has you talking crazy talk. You should thank your lucky stars that you don't have "Giraffe" money because the last thing you want to do is leave the country during March Madness. If you happen to obtain "Giraffe" money please give it to me. I'm happy to save you from yourself.

The McMillans said...

I am curious if there is such thing as Elephant money....I'm gonna look into that.

Drew333 said...

I've been inspired to create a list of things that I would spend my "Giraffe" money on.

-Full time staff to play with my hyper dog. (puggle)
-All the music on Itunes, then you could all by your music from me.
-Trip to Europe so that my wife can move on with her life. (Apparently she will be reborn with a new and better life in Italy)
-A personal interpreter, so he can insult people for me while I'm driving in a variety of languages.
-I hear politicians don't ever go to grocery stores, I would like to be able to avoid Walmart for the rest of my life, so someone to do that.
-7 really nice suits. (better to be overdressed right?)
-Monkey (tell me you don't want one)
-Bomb Shelter, not for saftey but for secret poker games.
-All Guns, sorry Stu.
-All Shoes, sorry Vera.
-Big house with secret tunnels like Al Capone.
-All the beer from Walmart on a Friday afternoon. (That ought to make someone really mad)
-Dinner for a whole restaurant.
And a bunch of other fun and creative things. I must get back to work!

rabidrunner said...

We should really work on a full time staff of Oompa Loompas to play with your dog. And how about all of the music that's NOT on I-tunes. There's a lotta great stuff that they don't have. I would also like a complete list of those 7 suites. Thanks.

Vera said...

After reading the comments of others I feel compelled to shame you all with my list.
Giraffe Money---What would I buy?

1-enough seats in congress for our party (the pervitarians) who could surely solve the worlds’ problems by showing those dirt bags how to get along and have a good time. (the blow up doll would be our speaker, running brother bruce would take roll and the petulant ninny could wack the gavel when needed).
2- Itunes (which is actually free) for all politicians. If Madam speaker would just create a nice-meaningful playlist for G-dubya –who created one for Hillary-who created one for John McCain etc., all would be right with the US Government.
3-One big S#*T load of virgins to ship to Iran/Iraq..that seems to be all they need
4- March Madness—would now be a month when all men would be forced to sit on benches in pioneer and liberty park and listen to the “touched” folks rant and rave. (sorry Jay, but you have things to do).

One sec….Amazon is at the door bringing me my weekly fix…

5- Make Muskrat Love the National Anthem!
6-Build a separate garage for all the black toys that Stu and Vera own…4 now
7- My own rainbow so I could go somewhere, any time I want whilst wearing red glittery shoes ( I already have them drew333 so there!)
8-Pug or Pug mixes for everyone. If the whole world had a Pug-type Hybrid they would either be laughing or vacuuming up hair and be to busy to fight or watch sports on TV.
9-Someone to run for me, est. marathon time right now would be about 7 days if I didn’t stop!
10- And finally---Port-a-potties all around!! With hand soap, padded seats, reading material and IPOD connection with Boze system installed (now that’s livin”)

BTW…I would resent that part about the cheap breed/mutt money, but you have all seen the Zig-Wigler so I’ll let it go.

Drew333 said...

All this Giraffe talk, I think we are forgetting what is really important. The real Giraffes, the ones that attack kids. Enjoy....

Drunk students learn lesson from peeved giraffe
1.3-ton animal attacks three Lithuanians after they climb into his cage
The Associated Press
Updated: 8:23 p.m. MT May 8, 2007

VILNIUS, Lithuania - Climbing into a giraffe's cage at the local zoo seemed a good idea after a few drinks. But the prank went wrong when the 1.3-ton animal flew into a rage and attacked the three student trespassers at a zoo in Lithuania on Monday night.

Ruta Greiciute, a 22-year-old student at Kaunas Technology University, was hospitalized with a broken collar bone and nose after the 9-year-old male giraffe, named Solut, attacked her.

The other students survived the incident unscathed.

"This was a very silly thing they did. The scared giraffe could have stomped her to death," Kaunas Zoo spokeswoman Angele Grebliauskaite said.

The zoo reported that many animals had been disturbed Monday night as students celebrated a festival in a nearby condominium.

Police have launched an investigation to find out how the intoxicated students entered the zoo at night and climbed the 10 foot high fence surrounding the giraffe cage.

rabidrunner said...

Holy Crap! Muskrat Love? The national anthem of what? I'm laughing quite hard right now.

Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay said...

All this talk about "Giraffe Money" is starting to offend our friends in the animal community. Some of the offended ones are turning to violence.

Winder said...

Wow- I don't have time to think of a giraffe money list right now. I am just glad you remembered our dream of the Kentucky Derby!!!