Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Snoopy

3/14/2007

It’s been 6 whole day since I “blogged” last. I don’t really have much to say but I’ve missed the whole publishing connection. You know, it makes me feel as if I’m doing something that will be around a while. Kind of like that one time that I helped finish the Zimmerman’s driveway (or that one time… at band camp). So I figured I just start writing and see where it takes me.

There is one thing that should be known about me. I’m snoopy… and not in that cute cartoon kind of way. Ask the neighbors. It’s not a coincidence that I happen to show up just as they’re pulling their mail out of the box. I usually start a casual conversation like hey, what was your adjusted gross income last year? Do you frequent those 12 step program groups? Were you pregnant when you got married? Does your husband have something wrong with his left ear? Do your kids have ADD? While I’m blowing them away with invasive conversation, I’ll look at their mail. It’s amazing what you discover about a person by doing something as simple as looking at their mail. You can find important things like their middle initial (or a bonus of the WHOLE MIDDLE NAME) and the grocery stores in which they’ve “signed up for great savings.” The great thing too, is if you’re like me and you feel life is one giant marketing research campaign, you can see what types of stuff they buy and THEN PUT THEM IN A DEMOGRAPHIC!!!! (Isn’t that exciting?)

Let’s take one neighbor (and I won’t name any names like I named the Zimmermans), there are many interesting items delivered in their mailbox. (Okay… so I don’t want anybody turning me in. I realize that it’s a federal crime to mess with a mailbox that doesn’t belong to you, but I’m not reaching into the mailbox. I’m gazing below the sunglasses with my strategic 20/20). Back to the neighbor. This neighbor would have a wild collection of stuff delivered. You might find a letter from attorneys Emerson, Lake, Palmer, & Howe that would conclude that they’re undertaking some fancy pants legal work. Like say, oh, maybe a will or divorce or if they have a lot of money a trust or foundation. If it’s a will, it would be time to suck-up so that you can get yourself written in there somehow (even though you’re just a neighbor). If it’s a divorce, I’d suggest staying as far away as possible. Speaking of which, there’s this new show that starts on Monday (3/19) on Court TV called “Till Death Due Us Part.” Each episode is a re-enactment of a real life marriage that ends in the murder of one of by the other (can you claim the Qualified Widow(er) Filing Status if you’re the one that did the actual killing? But then you have to have kids to qualify). Anyway, it’s hosted by the “Groom Reaper.” I might report on that. Stay tuned.

Another item of importance that might be found in said neighbor’s mailbox is a Cabela’s catalog coupled with Backpacker and Outside magazines. This just screams “Hey look at me! I’m outdoorsy and love to be outside but I don’t have time to do it so I'll just buy all the gear and read about adventure while I’m on the can!” You could top it off with the Title 9 Sports catalog and then get on their case because their feminism single-handedly killed Men’s Gymnastics in colleges across the country. Ah… that’s a bummer.

The next day they might get Guns ‘r Us (not to be confused with Guns ‘n Roses… that’s a rock band that produced such hits as “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and “Welcome to the Jungle.”) This magazine demonstrates that they like guns but know nothing about them. I can bet my last ten bucks that the PITA monthly will be sent to their PO box with the smut. JUST KIDDING! I have more than ten bucks.

1 comment:

Vera said...

Dear Ms. or Mr. Runner,
It has come to our attention that you are going through your neighbors’ mail, asking inappropriate questions, and well…just being snoopy. We at Emerson, Lake Palmer & Howe would like you to cease and desist or we will throw all of our “Lawyers, Guns & Money” at you. Follow these instructions, or we will be forced to take action:

Take the ”Passage to Bangkok” in your “Beautiful Pea Green Boat”, not to be confused with the “Yellow Submarine”
Proceed down “Electric Avenue” to “Alice’s Restaurant” where you will find the “Knights of Cadonia” waiting. These men are “Godless” and “Ruled by Secrecy”. Deliver to them “ One” huge pile of
”R.E.S.P.E.C.T”, turn and “Run Like Hell” through the “Alpha Beta Parking Lot”…Hurry, your “Time is Running Out”.

As far as mailboxes, if you had “Been Caught Stealing”, you would be spending time with a “Ball and Chain” around your leg singing the “Folsom Prison Blues”.

Do you ever wonder “Why’s Everybody Always Picking on Me”? It’s because you are a “Strange Little Girl” and “Simply Irresistible”.

Signed,
Robert Palmer Esq.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer (Howe Retired)