Sunday, March 25, 2007

GREEN

3/25/2007

Hey did you notice the new “template”? It’s green (just in case it didn’t slap you silly when you first pulled it up). There’s a reason for the green. Today’s blog is an honorary tribute to the latest religious conquest: “I’m going green.”

You’ve seen it. I know you have. Flocks of seagulls (okay people) are joining the latest hip club with passion in their eyes, commitment in their voices and sacrifice in their wallets. They ran like crazed jaguars (all that carrot beet wheat grass juice gives ‘em spots) to the nearest hardware store for boxes and boxes of light bulbs. They purchased hybrid vehicles, they installed wind driven energy makers in their back yards. They’ve replaced their furnaces, windows, and toilets (now they need to “help” when they flush!) They’ve joined the “Green” religion.

What is the Green religion, you ask? I just knew you were asking (you are obviously full of questions. Reading this site proves you’re questionable.) The Green party started not long ago when a certain someone spent 40 days and 40 nights in a political wilderness. In that wilderness a deity delivered a condemning message of earthly destruction. Shortly thereafter some rules were printed on recycled paper. They were as follows:

  • Thou shalt throw all your light bulbs out (I’m sure the effect of all that trash will be canceled out by the redeeming qualities of the next rule).
  • Thou shalt install fluorescent light bulbs.
  • Thou shalt turn to Yosemite Valley (or Jellystone – or Glacier – depends on the prophet) to pray thrice daily.
  • Thou shalt reduce your carbon footprint by limiting your exhales to 126 a day and losing 8 pounds.
  • Thou shalt purchase expensive hybrid vehicle (complete with large battery that must be replaced after 60,000 miles and still exhales gaseous amounts of carbon dioxide because it burns fuel, i.e. GAS-O-LINE).
  • Thou shalt have silent green thoughts while giving birth and no meds for the baby blues. We have baby greens (ooh yum, with blue cheese and a light vinegarette).
  • Thou shalt curse those who defile the earth (Anwar, Walmart, GM, rabidrunner, Major League Baseball).
  • Thou shalt recycle all forms of paper, aluminum, and plastics 1-8.
  • Thou shalt shut down all factories (but I need a factory to build my hybrid!)
  • Thou shalt drink water from the tap (ahhh, come on, no more bottled water? What about those contaminants? The chlorine? The aftertaste?)
  • Thou shalt glue a tiny clover leaf between your eyes.
  • Thou shalt wear a green string-like bracelet to let everyone know your religious orientation.
  • Thou shalt send boys and girls with name tags (made of hemp of course) in groups of twos, door-to-door to convert the non-believers.
  • Thou shalt be grateful for not being as stupid as those who trash the earth.

Other than the rules, I feel one more item should be discussed. Where’s the Holy Green Land? I think it’s Jellystone… Old Faithful not being faithful anymore is definitely a sign.

2 comments:

Winder said...

Ok, let's just say that I think you should write a book. I don't know exactly on what yet. Maybe just a book titled the "Rabid Opinions of the Political Agenda". I am catching up on all the past blogs I've previously neglected, you are so stinking creative. Talk to you soon.

The Winder
Soon to be "Guitar Hero" legend (Maybe)

The McMillans said...

The best thing about those belonging to the Green religion, is that the yards in the neighborhoods they live in have been naturlized and no longer grow green plants...their yards are brown, will this be the start of yet another religion called the browns? And will everything brown be worshiped and idolized? like chocolate, coffee and tobacco? If so, I want in on this religion. (too bad I enjoy laying on the grass on a summer day staring deep into the poluted air, looking for blue jays with asthma.) for now, I'll sip my non organic coffee, which I purchase from Costco if your interested, and figure out how to feed my children, whatever is on sale at Maceys. And rely on scientists, and doctors to help us evolve once again, to a species that lives completely in the waters of our earth. I call first dibs on beeing a Hippo, they have the sweetest life of all.