Thursday, February 22, 2007

What’s the difference between a democrat and a republican?

February 2, 2007

This isn’t a joke… you know the kind with a punch-line. I really want to know the difference. I’m going to present the life-sketch version of why I’m 34 years old and still do not know the difference between the two.

At the bright age of maybe 6 or 7, I learned that one was a donkey and the other was an elephant. I didn’t understand why and I still can’t keep track of which is which. Democrats are donkeys because they are asses or like to kiss asses? Or is it republicans are donkeys because they’re loud and boisterous or is it because they like hay?

In the fall of 1980, some guy by the name of Ronald Reagan ran for president. This was a big deal in my grade school - such a big deal that the Principal Maag held his own little presidential election. We all felt so grown up… as if were contributing to this historical election. The ballot consisted of Ronald Reagan and the defending Jimmy Carter. Ronny won the school by a land-slide. So now republicans are actors and democrats are peanut farmers.

Later that year, I faked like I was sick so I could stay home and watch cartoons. And wouldn’t you know it, that same Ronald Reagan was shot! No cartoons. But I did learn something valuable about republicans. Whilst Ronny was being wheeled in for the bullet removing operation (see we can joke about this now cause we know that it all comes out fine except for Alzheimer’s ) – whilst Ronny was being wheeled in for the operation he asked those doing the wheeling “I hope you guys are all republicans.” So now republicans are doctors and nurses and maybe democrats do the homeopathic thing? I don’t know!

When I was 10ish, I asked Chuck Lane (the father of my little buddy Jennifer Lane) about democrats and republicans. You know what he said? “One saves and the other spends.” Once again, I’ve been unable to tell which is which. They both spend money like a teenage girl unleashed at the gap with her first credit card.

Oh good hell. WHO decided that In A Gadda Da Vida and it’s 2 minute solos with 13 different instruments would be interesting? Sorry, listening to a One-Hit-Wonder CD that Vera gave me. I prefer the radio edit of this one. The extended remix does have a dashing finale… but maybe that’s because you’re pretty excited that it’s over?

Anyway… after that I made the decision that democrats and republicans would be blue or red. Any other definition would just make me looney (or loonier depending on who you talk to).

Fifteen years later, I met Spouse. He had a mouthful (what do I mean HAD) of political propaganda. Name a senator, congressman and most likely he can tell you where he/she stands on THE ISSUES. He has some alternate names for most of them too and they are mighty entertaining. During our courtship, I would pretend to listen and act like I was somewhat interested and that I actually CARED (sorry honey, yet another area in which you were mislead – but YOU Blinded Me With Science – one hit wonder again. But realistically, he doesn’t read my blog. He works hard at ignoring my audible ramblings at home … why would he purposely READ this crap?) Okay back to the courtship. Spouse (before he was Spouse) was a mean programmer, was TD&H, had luscious green eyes, ran a 2:37 marathon AND had a boat. What more could I want? Little did I know that Election Day would become an All-Night-TV-and-Popcorn Extravaganza. In spite of all of his political knowledge, he cannot give me a clear answer to the republican vs democrat question. I mean, up until about a year ago, he wasn’t registered as anything and usually voted for the guy who would obviously be getting the least number of votes. We make a difference at our house.

To say it simply, we are involved but clueless. I could bore you with a cut-n-paste web site definition of each party’s platform (oooh, platforms? I could use some new shoes!) But why, it’s just talk anyway, right? I get knocked down, but I get up again, ya never gonna keep me down (that is unless it’s knocked down and kept down for more than 30 seconds) – once again we have the one-hit-wonder intermission to the blog… but hopefully it’s not in the middle of the blog cause I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up!

In regards to my political orientation, I’ve joined the Pervertarian Party (founded by Running Brother Bruce). Their platform is gender specific. It’s designed to accentuate certain body parts when the politician is standing on said platform. Our color: Green. Our mascot: the blow-up doll.


Preston said...

What's the difference???

1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

2. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

3. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

4. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don’t.

5. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

6. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

7. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they’re entitled to a little fun first.

8. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

9. Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.

Vera said...

WOW....I am so tired from reading that blog....I'm sure it took as long to read as In A Gadda Da Vida long version (17minutes...I'm kinda slow).

rabidrunner said...

Okay... so I'm a democrat because I like dirty books, I'm a republican cause I'd rather hire someone to step on my spiders. I've named my children after cartoons and hotties from high school, so I'm neither on that one. I have no consistency about the shade/blinds thing so that means that I shouldn't reveal any more on that matter... Spouse is hot naked and Vera might get some ideas. I'm a republican because everything's a finance study (not just the paper). I haven't been fishing since my Uncle Max took me 28 years ago, so the eat fish vs hang on the wall question won't matter. I don't know many dating girls who are into poltiics so I'm going to say #7 was made up. Most of the plans I make are changed by the two hessians I'm in charge of keeping alive, so I'm a democrat. I have a king mattress, so that's basically like sleeping on two twin mattress, but they're in the same room. What does that mean?

Mandee said...

I love it when you blog. You are seriously so funny- so honest and so funny!